Attention-Starved Warren Sapp Streaks Across Field During Dolphins-Chargers Game

TEMPE, AZ--Monday night’s game between the Miami Dolphins and the San Diego Chargers was interrupted when Warren Sapp, buck naked, streaked across the field during the second quarter. The attention starved Sapp, who shocked the seventy thousand fans in attendance, was reportedly waving a giant banner that read “Warren Sapp.”

“We were in the huddle and the next thing we knew the crowd was going crazy,” says Dolphins QB Brian Griese. “I looked up and there was this fat black dude streaking across the field, naked as a jaybird. I thought it was just some crazy fan, but as he got closer, I noticed it was Warren Sapp. He said hi as he passed, but I think he was in a hurry.”

The Chargers’ Marcellus Wiley recalls his reaction to the disturbing sight:

“At first I was gonna jump him, cause I figured it was some nutcase. Then I realized it was Warren. Whoa. That freaked me up a little. He was waving a flag with his own name on it. Geez, I guess he really needs attention”

William Greer, head of security for Sun Devil Stadium, was under fire after the game for failing to prevent such an obvious security breach. But Greer claims that he was tricked into allowing Sapp on the field.

“I know Warren. I’ve seen him on TV a million times. It’s not unusual for a player who’s not playing to come onto the sidelines and hang around and watch the game. That’s what he told us he was going to do. He wasn’t naked at the time, of course. I would’ve remembered that.”

According to reports, Sapp spent the first quarter of the game hanging out on the Chargers sidelines. After the first quarter ended, he went into the tunnel, disrobed, waited for the right moment, and emerged nude.

“Oh my. Oh my. Oh my God,” said Miami coach Dave Wannstedt.

After making it across the field, Sapp was swarmed by security and dragged away.

One security guard recalls the ordeal: “He was having a great time. He was laughing his ass off. And he kept on saying his name for some reason, as if we didn’t know. He was like ‘I’m Warren Sapp – you know, from the Tampa Bay Bucs.’ I’m like ‘no shit’. That guys parents must’ve really neglected him when he was a kid.”

The outspoken Sapp had recently complained to the league about its supposed bias against players expressing their own individuality. He even went so far as to call the commissioner a “slavemaster” due to his intolerance of Sapp’s me-first antics.

“See, the commissioner’s office is like a slavemaster,” Sapp said on ESPN’s NFL Countdown. “They tryin to prevent me from promoting myself, from marketing myself. Football players don’t have it good like baseball players. We have to wear helmets and pads and people can’t see our faces. So we gotta do what we can to get our name out there.”

At the time, nobody expected Sapp to go as far as he did. Most dismissed his comments as just “Warren being Warren”.

“I didn’t think much of it when he said it on our show,” said ESPN’s Tom Jackson. “Everyone knows the guy lusts after the spotlight and is more desperate for attention than a goddamn three week old puppy, but who knew he’d sink this low? And who knew he was hung like that? Apparently, he has not received any of those helpful penis enlargement advertisements in his email.”

Some around the league have expressed confusion over Sapp’s seemingly desperate quest for media attention. After all, he is one of the most recognized personalities in the game. Of all the things Sapp needs, publicity isn’t one of them.

Says analyst Bob Costas of Inside the NFL: “Fuck, Is there anyone in America who doesn’t know who Warren Sapp is? He’s a household name, for crying out loud. This streaking thing wasn’t just a publicity stunt, it was a cry for help.”

Indeed, several experts have stated that Sapp’s actions are a classic example of a person in dire need of attention. Dr. Albert Stein of the Sports Psychology Institute in Terre Haute, IN says that Sapp’s actions are indicative of much deeper problems.

“This is someone who is disguising his powerful desire for attention as ‘self promotion’. It’s no more self-promotion than when a 5-year-old throws a temper tantrum in front of his mother. Furthermore, Mr. Sapp could be suffering from another problem: The problem of being an insufferable prick. The man needs help.”

For his part, Sapp insists that he is not masking his powerful desire for attention at all.

“Masking it? I’m not masking it. I’m screaming it out loud. Isn’t it obvious? I NEED ATTENTION! HELLO, AMERICA! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? PLEASE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME BEFORE I DO SOMETHING REALLY STUPID. Jesus Christ, what does a guy have to do around here to get some motherfucking ATTENTION!! PLEASE! IT”S ME WARREN SAPP. LOOK AT ME! TALK ABOUT ME! LOVE ME, HATE ME, I DON’T CARE! JUST TALK ABOUT ME! PLEASE PLEASE I’M BEGGING!!”

While the rest of America is both frightened and disgusted by Sapp’s display, ex-footballer Michael Irvin has taken Sapp’s side, insisting that players have a right to promote themselves.

“Self promotion. That’s what it’s all about,” said Irvin. “Like it or not, we all here for the same reason: to promote ourselves. Look around the league. It’s full of big egos. I listen to everyone ridicule my man for running naked across the field but you know what I don’t hear? I don’t here no one gettin to the real issue - which is that the man don’t get enough attention. Maybe we should all take a step back and ask ourselves if we’re doin enough to glorify Warren Sapp. Just look at the dude. He runnin across a football field naked! The man needs some attention. That, and a botox injection. I haven’t seen a dick that small since the birth of my son.”

Despite Sapp’s recent actions, the Tampa Bay organization is standing behind its star. The front office and coaching staff are working on ways to quench Sapp’s insatiable thirst for attention. One of the ideas is too change the Bucs logo from a Pirate to Sapp’s smiling face.

“Slapping his face on the side of our helmets should help,” said Bucs coach Jon Gruden. “That would be a start, but we all know that Warren is a very needy person. He’s high maintenance, like a 76 Pinto. Another idea we’re tossing around is to have a 24-hour Warren Sapp channel on cable TV. The whole channel will be dedicated to promoting Warren, and getting his face in homes across America. But even that might not be enough. I don’t know. Between you and me – the guy’s got problems. And after seeing that streaking episode on TV I’ll bet I can guess where it stems from. That guy’s hung like a fucking bumblebee. No wonder he has an inferiority complex.”