The Brushback -- Expos Players Now Being Charged Admission To Their Own Games

MONTREAL--In an effort to increase revenue for the struggling franchise, Major League Baseball is now charging Expos players admission to their own games. The new mandate will cover home games at Olympic Stadium as well as Hiram Bithorn Stadium in Puerto Rico. Players will be charged the average price for box seats, and will not be admitted without a ticket. The league is calling it “a necessary action to keep the Expos afloat.”

“The Expos are drawing under 5,000 people per game in Montreal, and only slightly more in Puerto Rico,” said Selig. “It seems the Puerto Ricans are finding out what the rest of America has known for years: The Expos blow.”

He said the new ticket mandate was the only way to increase revenue for a team that draws no fan interest, has no TV deal, and sells no merchandise.

“This was a last resort, to be sure,” said Selig. “We’ve tried everything to promote this team, but we failed. Now the players must purchase tickets like everyone else. It’s simple. They just have to go to the Will Call window at gametime and ask for one ticket. They shouldn’t have a problem getting one. They’re practically giving them away.”

Several Expos players have spoken out about the latest orders handed down from the league. Unfortunately, they don’t have a leg to stand on. The Expos are owned by Major League Baseball, and have very little leverage when it comes to financial matters. In short, the league can do anything it wants to the team.

“We are under their control, pretty much. There’s nothing we can do,” said first baseman Nick Johnson. “They’re screwing us over, that’s for sure, but what can you do? If the league wants us to buy tickets to the games, we have to buy tickets to the games, no matter how ridiculous and insulting it may be. I’m just so glad that the Yankees traded me here. I was having a horrible time playing in the greatest city in the world for the World Champions. Really, this is much better.”

Selig has heard the complaints, but refuses to dignify them with a serious response.

“Excuse me? They’re complaining? Oh, I see. Well, maybe we’ll just stop paying them,” said Selig. “Maybe we’ll stop signing their checks and handing them millions of dollars. What are they going to do, go on strike? Oh no. I’m real scared. Whatever shall we do without the Montreal Expos?”

Despite the players’ protests, the mandate put into effect last week. Just two days later, one prominent Expos players was denied entrance to the game when he failed to produce a ticket. Tomo Ohka, the night’s starting pitcher, insisted that he purchased the ticket and then lost it. Even though he was dressed in a full Montreal Expos uniform, he was turned away and forced to buy a ticket from a scalper.

“I purchased a box seat from the ticket office. I swear,” said Ohka. “I don’t understand where I left it. Perhaps it is in my other pants. Regardless, I should be allowed in the game anyway. I’m the starting pitcher. Now I must go back to the ticket window and deal with that bitch all over again.”

Ohka was an hour late for the game, so manager Frank Robinson was forced to use a different starting pitcher in his place. To add insult to injury, he fined and suspended Ohka for arriving late.

“We have rules in this clubhouse. If you’re the starting pitcher, you must be here three hours before game time,” Robinson told reporters after the game. “Tomo was late and he’s been fined. He’s also going to miss his next start. Not having a ticket is no excuse. We all have to stand in line and get tickets before the game. Nobody gets special treatment. If the ticket window isn’t open, you go find a scalper. They do have some pretty good package deals. I’m all set for the next month of home games.”

Since the majority of Expos home games fall well short of being sold out, ticket availability has not been a problem thus far. However, some players worry about getting tickets for certain games in Puerto Rico that may actually sell out. For example, on July 10th, the New York Yankees are traveling to Hiram Bithorn Stadium to play the Expos, and many tickets have already been sold. Players are scrambling to make sure they’re not shut out.

“I called ticketmaster, but they were busy,” said shortstop Jose Vidro. “I tried to buy tickets at the Montreal box office, but they only sell tickets for games in Montreal. The only other option is to get tickets at the window next time we’re in Puerto Rico, but by that time they may be sold out. I just wish there were some way the players could bypass all this red tape and get tickets. This is starting to get a little silly. There’s actually a good chance that we’ll be fielding less than nine players for some games.”

The Expos front office, in conjunction with the league, has denied all players’requests for special treatment. If the players want to attend the games, they’ll have to wait their turn just like everyone else.

“Hey, if we let everyone get tickets whenever they wanted, it would be chaos,” said Omar Minaya, Expos GM. “Do you know how many requests we get from fans for free tickets and such? Well, not that many. Actually none. But it’s the principle of the thing. Its not that hard to get tickets, guys. Just stand in line or call ticketmaster. You’re doing your part to help keep Expos baseball alive in Montreal so the league can continue to use us as a bargaining chip in a bidding war to relocate us. If all goes well, next year we’ll be in Washington or Portland or Las Vegas, and we’ll all get tickets for free. Imagine that? Free season tickets to a Major League Baseball team? It’s enough to make me step off this window ledge and continue living for another day.”