Gritty, Hard-Working Underdogs Lose Tenth Straight

TAMPA, FL--The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a young, hard-working group of scrappy underdogs, lost their tenth straight game Monday, falling to the Baltimore Orioles 5-3. The Rays, led by former Manager of the Year Lou Pinella, were expected to improve this year but instead have dropped into last place in the American League East. The hungry, hard-nosed squad is one of the most inept in all of baseball.

“I’ll say something about this team, they work their butts off,” said a visibly frustrated Lou Pinella. “They’re just a bunch of dirt dogs, going out there and leaving it all on the field. Unfortunately, they’re terrible in every way. They can’t pitch or hit. I’d trade all of that grit for one decent starter.”

The addition of Pinella was supposed to give the team a strong work ethic and tough-as-nails approach, and it has. But it hasn’t gotten them many wins.

“This team really plays hard for Lou,” said Don Zimmer, bench coach. “He’s really got their attention, I’ll tell you that. Take last week, for example. We were playing the Red Sox, and our offense was doing great. We touched up Derek Lowe for seven runs. We were kicking ass, right up until Victor Zambrano walked those nine people.”

The team does boast a couple of excellent young players in Rocco Baldelli and Carl Crawford. The two second year starters have shown flashes of brilliance and displayed a great work ethic. Baldelli believes someday that the work ethic will pay off, but right now it’s doing jack shit.

“It’s great that Lou is instilling this great attitude and work ethic in us,” he said. “I know it’s going to stay with me my whole career and really help me. But right now, it’s pretty useless. The only upside is that next to these guys, me and Carl look like Mantle and Mays.”

Despite the team’s poor start, Pinella has seen some encouraging signs. The solid effort that the team displays on a nightly basis have helped soften the blow of their sub-par won-loss record.

“If there’s one thing I can count on from these boys is hustle,” said Pinella. “Hustle, hustle, hustle. And that’s about it. Hustle. At the end of the day, they may not be winners, but they sure are tired.”

Pinella sited several examples of the team’s grit and determination from last week’s series with the Cleveland Indians: First, there was Aubrey Huff’s valiant effort to snag a foul ball hit by Omar Vizquel. The 3rd baseman sprinted over to the steps of the visitor’s dugout, leaned over, and fell down the stairs. The ball bounced harmlessly away, but his teammates and coaches were impressed by the effort. Then there was Julio Lugo’s epic 12-pitch at bat against C.C. Sabathia that ended with Lugo whiffing on a breaking ball in the dirt.

“We were all proud of Julio for challenging Sabathia like that,” said Pinella. “It was a great effort. Even though he struck out, we congratulated him when he got back into the dugout. Isn’t that great? That’s what we’ve been reduced to—congratulating guys for striking out. Does anyone know if the Yankees are looking for a bench coach?”

General manager Chuck Lamar, who began his rebuilding project two years ago, has been disappointed with the slow progress the team is making. He vowed to be patient with the young squad, but if they don’t make a move soon, he may be forced to take a different approach.

“I know I have a decent young lineup here, but sometimes I feel like they’re a bunch of retards,” said Lamar. “They really do give it their all. They get those uniforms dirty, alright. Now all they need to do is learn how to TAKE A GODDAMN PITCH! Jesus Christ, they swing at more first pitches than my grandson’s tee ball team.”

“What we need are players who are rich, fat and lazy, and care only about padding their stats,” he continued. “You know, the guys who can actually hit the ball. It wouldn’t kill our guys to be a little selfish once in a while. That Crawford kid would rather hit a sacrifice bunt than a goddamn home run.”

Bench coach Zimmer has had plenty of experience on winning ball clubs. He won five championships with the Yankees, and knows what it takes to be successful.

“The one difference between those Yankees clubs and this one is the talent,” said Zimmer. “Take last year’s team, for instance. We got to the World Series with the highest paid roster in the league. We didn’t have to hustle. This team likes to play small ball. You know, bunting, sacrificing, moving the runner over. That's the kind of ball they play in the National League. We call it 'homo ball.' I mean 'small ball'. Yes, that's it. small ball.”