Major League Soccer’s Only Soccer Ball Kicked Onto Neighbor’s Roof

SAN JOSE, CA - Major League Soccer was forced to hold an emergency meeting when the league’s only soccer ball was kicked onto a neighbor’s roof by the San Jose Earthquakes’ Landon Donovan. The incident occurred at the Earthquakes’ practice facility, where the team was engaged in its offseason workouts.

“It was our turn to use the ball,” said Donovan, from his offseason home in San Diego. “We wanted to get in some quality practices in preparation for the new season. Unfortunately, I booted the ball and it went high in the air and landed on old man McDougle’s roof. It’s way up there, and nobody on the team wants to go over there and ask him for it. The guy’s nuts.”

Donovan’s teammates are irate at him for his carelessness with the league’s only ball, and are calling for disciplinary action against the star scorer.

“That was really lame,” said one teammate, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’s such a showoff. He always has to show people he’s got the strongest leg, and he can kick the ball farthest. Did it ever occur to him that old man McDougle’s place is right next door and he should be careful with the ball? No. Tell me, how the fuck are we supposed to afford another ball? We’re not the NBA, you know.”

The chain of events began w ith teammate Jeff Agoos kicking the ball out of bounds near where Donovan was doing his stretching exercises. When Agoos called out for “a little help” Donovan responded by grabbing the ball, winding up, and kicking it with all his strength. The ball sailed over Agoos’s head and landed on Mr. McDougle’s roof. Everyone on the field stopped what they were doing and held their breath, waiting to see if the ball would roll down, but it did not. It was trapped, tragically, in the gutter.

After some deliberation, it was decided that any attempt at ball retrieval was too dangerous.

“That guy has a shotgun,” said Donovan. “I heard the last time someone tried to go over there and knock on his door, he pulled the gun out and threatened him. And not only that, he has this insane rottweiler. Fucking thing is foaming at the mouth. I guess we’ll just have to use a volleyball or a dodgeball now.”

The emergency meeting of the MLS brass was held at Commissioner Don Garber’s apartment in Sacramento. They reportedly discussed contingency plans for next season, as the prospect of raising enough money for a new ball by the start of the 2004 campaign looked bleak.

“Basically, it was decided that we were going to have to go with a volleyball,” said Garber, in a telephone interview from his home. “Granted, volleyballs are white, but we could paint little black squares on them to make them look more realistic. As for the weight and bounce of the volleyball versus the soccer ball, well, there’s not much we can do. If you have any more questions about that, why don’t you direct them to Mr. Leadfoot, Landon Donovan? I’m sure he feels like a big man now that he showed everyone how far he can kick the ball.”

As word spread to the league’s other franchises, many expressed outrage at Donovan’s carelessness, and frustration at the financial struggles of the league.

“Goddamn that guy,” said Damani Ralph of the Chicago Fire. “He’s such an asshole. I’ve known that guy for years and I’m telling you, he always has to be in the spotlight. Well, now we have no more soccer balls, and it’s his fault. Maybe this will teach him to be more careful, especially when he’s standing right next to old man McDougle’s fence.”

Ralph’s teammate, Ante Razov, expressed frustration with the league for not putting enough money in the bank to cover emergencies like this.

“How can they not afford another ball? They cost, like, twenty dollars. What is wrong with these Americans? I tell you, in Europe, we never had these problems. There was always plenty of soccer balls, nets, uniforms, you name it. The only downside was we had to live in Europe.”