MILWAUKEE, WI--Bud Selig was confused and excited Friday afternoon when he received an email informing him that a group of hot teen sluts was waiting for him at an undisclosed location. The subject line of the mysterious email read “Hot teen slutz R waiting for U now!” and the body of the letter included several photos of what appeared to be hot teen sluts depicted in various suggestive poses. Selig attempted to respond to the email, but was unsuccessful.
“I sent a response asking for more detail, like who these girls are and where I could meet them,” said Selig. “Unfortunately the email was returned, saying it was an ‘unknown address.’ That’s peculiar. I hope there wasn’t some kind of email malfunction. I’ve heard that Comcast isn’t that reliable. It sure would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity like this just because of some weird technical problem. I mean, how many chances do you get to bang hot teen sluts?”
Adding to the confusion was the mysterious, seemingly coded messages embedded at the bottom of the email. Located directly under the photos were the words “congeal facilitate barter headstrong acquiesce obtuse thinking middle guarantee xvnswrjunwno.”
“What could that possibly mean?” asked an exasperated Selig. “What are these people trying to communicate to me? It’s really quite vexing. I’ve got to assume that the answer to all my questions lies in this coded message. If I’m able to decipher it, the hot teen sluts are mine. If not, it’s back to my right hand and a box of Kleenex.”
Selig wondered why the emailers chose to target him and what a group of nubile teenage vixens could possibly see in a man of his advanced age. He ruled out the possibility of a prank since the email provided actual photos of the girls that are waiting for him.
“When I first received the email, I thought it could be some kind of practical joke or something,” said Selig. “But then when I opened it up, I realized it was completely credible. There they were, right in front of me: a group of hot teen sluts, exactly as they were described in the subject line. I just wonder why they’re interested in a guy like me. They obviously see something they like or they wouldn’t be brazenly throwing themselves at me. Today’s women sure are bold. In my day if you wanted to bang a hot teen slut you had to take her out for a root beer float and slip her a roofie.”
In addition to questioning their motives, Selig is also wondering how the teen sluts and their collaborators were able to acquire his private email address. The address is used for personal email only, which has made Selig suspect the possible involvement of friends and acquaintances.
“Somehow these people got my personal email address,” said Selig. “I’ve thought this out extensively and there are only two ways they could have figured it out. Either they contacted somebody who knows me and is familiar with my address, or they known me themselves. The only people who know this address are my family members, a couple co-workers, and two or three owners. I don’t personally know any teenage girls, but my secretary Helen does have a 17-year-old daughter who I’ve met a couple times at the office. Her name is Tina. That begs the question: Is Helen’s daughter a slut, and if so, does she want me?”
In order to find out, Selig has a plan to gauge Tina’s feelings towards him. The next time she arrives at the office, he’ll drop some subtle hints and closely monitor her reactions.
“I won’t be too obvious about anything, but there are ways to communicate to people indirectly,” said Selig. “For instance, I might compliment her on her appearance. Not in an overt way, but in a subtle way. You know like ‘Tina, don’t you look pretty today.’ Or I might say something like ‘It’s hot outside today, huh?’ and see if she reacts. I’ll also sneak little glances in her direction. Maybe I’ll talk in some of the coded messages in the email. I could just blurt out ‘congeal facilitate barter.’ If she is one of the hot teen sluts that’s waiting for me, she’ll definitely recognize that. If not, she’ll just think I’m insane.”
To complicate matters, Selig was the recipient of another mystery email just yesterday. This one was not sexual in nature. Instead it offered him the “lowest mortgage rates in years.”
“Wow, first hot teen sluts, now extremely low mortgage rates,” said Selig. “This is all very overwhelming. Obviously I am being contacted by some secret benefactor or something. But why? Who could it be? What have I don’t to deserve all these exciting offers? You know, all my life I’ve tried to treat people with respect, kindness and generosity, and now all those things are paying off. Teen sluts, low mortgage rates—what’s next, somebody offering to magically enlarge my penis?”
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