98 Percent Of NBA Foul Calls Complete Bullshit

CHICAGO, IL - According to an independent survey of NBA players and coaches, 98 percent of all fouls called during professional basketball games are complete bullshit. Based on interviews and analysis, the survey concluded that only about three foul calls this year have been legitimate. The rest were examples of unfair targeting of players, coaches, and teams.

“Aw, man, what the fuck?” shouted the Dallas Mavericks Antoine Walker during Sunday’s game against the Grizzlies, after he was whistled for a foul by referee Joe Crawford. “That is frigging bullshit. I didn’t even touch him. Why are you always singling me out?”

Walker’s outburst is typical of NBA players, many of whom believe that they’ve never committed a foul in their lives. According to Walker, of the 253 fouls called on him this year, every single one was “complete bullshit.”

“I haven’t committed one foul all year. You can tell by the way I wince in agony every time the whistle is blown,” said Walker. “Yet, I’ve been whistled 253 times. What does that tell you? The refs obviously have something against me.”

Another player, Rasheed Wallace, claims that NBA officials are unfairly targeting him. By Wallace’s estimation, he has committed two legitimate fouls this year. All other whistles have been part of a broad conspiracy to get him out of the league.

“I can honestly say that I have committed maybe two fouls this year,” said Wallace. “I’m the cleanest player I know. I never lay a hand on anyone. These refs are out to get me, but I ain’t goin nowhere. I’ll keep playin my game, and if they wanna keep blowing those bullshit whistles, I’ll just keep giving them a piece of my mind.”

Wallace, who leads the league in technical fouls nearly every year, concedes that the Jan. 8th body slam and subsequent bludgeoning with a cinderblock of the Lakers Derek Fisher was a fair call by the officials, though he did not agree it was flagrant.

“Yea, that incident against Fisher, that was a foul. I lifted him over my head, spun him around a few times, and then slammed him to the floor. Then, after that, I grabbed a cinder block and smashed it over his head. You know, emotions run high out there and that’s why they have referees. But I don’t agree that it was flagrant. Yea, there was some contact. But this is the NBA, not the church league.”

The director of officiating for the NBA, Ronnie Nunn, says the league is currently evaluating each foul call to determine if there’s any truth to these allegations. If there is, then a shakeup may be in the cards for NBA refs.

“These certainly are amazing allegations. To hear that almost 100 percent of our calls are wrong is cause for alarm. That would mean that no NBA player has ever committed a foul, and it also means that refs may not even be needed. I’m reserving judgment until our evaluation is complete, but there does seem to be a consensus among the players. Perhaps that’s why they whine every time the whistle blows.”

Rumors of a vast conspiracy among officials are running rampant throughout the league. The officials’ obvious motivation for this collusion would be to remain employed and cover up the fact that most games are played so clean that they require almost no officiating at all.

Billy Hunter, head of the NBA players union, is taking the recent allegations seriously. He is demanding the league launch a full investigation into the behavior of officials.

“Is there a conspiracy afoot? Possibly, I don’t know. But what I do know is that players are complaining more and more everyday about bogus calls, and the problem is not going away. Someone is being disingenuous here, and I doubt it’s the players. Everyone knows NBA players are some of the most honorable, dignified, honest, and ethical people on the planet. If someone is in the wrong here, it’s probably the referees.”

Hunter added that there are dozens of disputed calls every game. He cited one example from the Lakers/Suns game last Monday night. The incident involved Shaquille O’Neil, who was called for a foul on the Suns’ Joe Johnson during the third quarter. O’Neill’s reaction to the call indicated that he was displeased with the whistle.

“As we look at the tape here, we can see Shaq kneeing Johnson in the forehead, then spitting on him,” said Hunter. “But watch as referee Steve Javie blows the whistle and signals foul. O’Neil throws his hands in the air and looks skyward in clear frustration. Now he’s yelling at Javie. Why? Clearly Shaq believes he was wronged, and we trust our players. We all know there is plenty of incidental contact during games that goes un-called, so what made Javie victimize Shaq? Look at Shaq’s face – the grimace, the bulging eyeballs, the furrowed brow. Does that look like someone who just committed a foul? No, it’s the face of a man who has been wronged and can no longer sit still while injustice is being perpetrated.”

But it’s not just the foul calls that are being questioned. Several players in the league have also complained about the phenomenon of “non-calls.”

Allen Iverson, the diminutive point guard for the Philadelphia 76ers who is known for throwing his body into defenders while charging into the lane, says the real problem is the lack of calls when obvious infractions are committed.

“Man, every game I get fouled like, a hundred times,” said Iverson. “Every single time I miss a shot, I look over at the ref to see what the fuck he’s thinking. They need to understand that I can’t possibly miss a shot. If it doesn’t go in, I was clearly fouled. I try to convey my anger with hand gestures and facial expressions, but they just don’t get it. Either they too damn stupid to know a foul when they see one, or there’s some vast anti-Allen Iverson conspiracy going on that I don’t know about.”

Commissioner David Stern promises a full investigation into the puzzling and mysterious behavior of the league’s officials.

“I must say, this is a strange phenomenon. Some players are complaining about too many foul calls, some are complaining about not enough foul calls. Some are even complaining about both, which I find strange. Whatever the case may be, it’s clear that the players of this league are not happy with the officiating. I can assure you that the league will investigate these accusations until we get to the bottom of the whole situation. But I’ll tell you something right now – it’s not looking good for the refs. A 98 percent rate of inaccuracy is unacceptable. That number needs to fall. And if they’re not calling enough fouls, as some players contend, then that trend needs to be reversed also. I’m sorry if this all sounds a little confusing, but we’ll unravel it. We can’t have referees tormenting our players by calling bullshit fouls on them or not calling fouls on their opponents.”

Stern went on to say that the league has considered installing an “honor system” in which players would call fouls on themselves at appropriate times, thereby alleviating the chance of a biased referee calling an unfair foul.

“Its something we’ve thought about,” Stern said. “And if these allegations are true, we may have to implement the system soon. Who would you trust more, a professional referee, or one of our fine, upstanding players? Of course it’s the players. That’s why this plan is so fucking perfect.”