DALLAS, TX--In the midst of one of the worst seasons in his NFL coaching career, Bill Parcells has had enough. He’s had enough of losing, enough criticism from the press, enough complaints from his players, and most of all, he’s had enough of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’ smug little face. Parcells has spent much of the season resisting the urge to pummel Jones beyond recognition.

“God, I’d like to punch that guy,” Parcells told reporters yesterday. “He’s an extremely annoying human being. It’s one thing when the team is winning and I can tune it out, but right now, the way things are going, I might just snap and wallop the son of a bitch.”

Parcells has been trying hard to hide his frustration all season, but that frustration has reached a boiling point. With Jones’ constant nagging behind the scenes, the coach's eruption might come sooner rather than later.

“I know everything looks great between us in front of the cameras, but let me tell you, it’s not,” said Parcells. “The other day I was in a meeting with my assistants and Jerry walked in, sat down next to me and started reading over my shoulder. He was like ‘Hey, is that Sunday’s game plan? Can I see? Can I see?’ And I said ‘no.’ And then he said ‘Hey we should run more end-arounds. I like end-arounds.’ At that one moment if I could’ve lifted him over my head, spun him around several times and bodyslammed him onto the table, I would have. Unfortunately he’s the owner of the team. Plus I didn’t want to send a bad message to my assistants that damaging tables is an acceptable thing to do.”

Ironically, Jones believes that his relationship with Parcells is a healthy, happy one. He constantly talks about about how easy it is for a coach and owner to get along, provided they both respect each other’s opinions. Jones is clearly unaware that Parcells would like to knee him in the forehead repeatedly.

When told of Parcells desire to harm him, Jones simply laughed.

“Ah, that’s Bill’s sense of humor for you. He spins a yarn as good as anyone. The other day when I walked out to the practice field and suggested he work a little more on tackling drills, he glared at me like he was gonna rip my head off. What a kidder! He said ‘Leave this field immediately, you rubber-faced prick, before I snap you in two like a fucking twig.’ I just slapped him on the back and laughed my head off. Then he pushed me to the ground and kicked dirt on me, which again just shows what a great sense of humor he has.”

With the Cowboys bottoming out this season, there’s no telling whether Parcells will return next year.

“If I come back next year I’m afraid of what I might do,” he said. “I’m just not sure if I trust myself not to gravely injure Jerry Jones. He’s an OK guy when things are going good, but when things start to go bad he can be really grating. All of a sudden it’s not so cool anymore to have a ‘collaborative’ relationship. It’s not so great to have a ‘hands-on’ owner who ‘really cares’ about the team. I’d rather just be left alone.”

Parcells said it might be fun to indulge his fantasy one of these days.

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