OAKLAND--For the past few years, the Oakland Raiders have been playing a brand of football consisting of an unbalanced offense, aging, lifeless defense, and a kicking game that could charitably be described as ineffective. With new head coach Art Shell roaming the sidelines, however, the Raiders plan to get back to the basics and play mistake-free football. In other words, they’re going to stop playing Raider football and start winning again.

“Our number one priority this year is to start playing sound, disciplined, winning football,” said Shell. “The past few years we have morphed into this soft, hapless joke of a team. That’s Raider football, and that’s exactly what we’re going to stop playing. Instead we’re going to play Steelers football or Patriots football, or possibly even New York Jets football--any kind of football that doesn’t result in people laughing at us would be good. So, actually, cross the New York Jets off that list.”

Shell was hired to replace Norv Turner, who was fired after two years and a 9-23 record. Turner attempted to turn the team into an offensive juggernaut, utilizing weapons such as Randy Moss, Joey Porter, and Kerry Collins. Sadly, the team was a bust.

“I remember when Norv was hired, everybody was hailing it as a return to glory for the Raiders,” said Shell. “It sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me. Turns out it was. You have to walk before you can run. You can’t have an aerial attack until you learn how to pass block. You can learn to pass block until you learn how to tie your shoes. You can’t learn to tie your shoes if you’re constantly interrupting the person trying to teach you, Robert Gallery.”

2006 will see many personnel changes for the Raiders. For starters, quarterback Kerry Collins has been replaced by Aaron Brooks. Brooks is an athletic quarterback with a great arm, who is also known for poor decision-making in the clutch. Still, some Raider fans see him as the most underrated signing of the offseason.

For his part, Brooks says he is ready to put an end to the hideous Raider football of the past few seasons.

“They brought me here to help right this ship,” said Brooks, who was cut by the New Orleans Saints in the offseason. “After Kerry Collins, they needed a disciplined quarterback who’s cool under pressure and won’t turn the ball over too much. That’s why they signed me, an undisciplined quarterback who gets flustered under pressure and turns the ball over too much. See, the difference is I can run, so I’ll be better able to chase down defenders after they intercept my passes.”

Most observers say that the Raiders biggest problem last season was the offensive line. Shell, a former offensive line coach, has made improving the line his top priority. In doing so, he’ll have to mix and match players until he finds a combination that works.

On the defensive side of the ball, Shell has an even bigger challenge. Last year’s unit was among the worst in the league at stopping the run, and this year’s unit will have to make up for the loss of Ted Washington and Ed Jasper to free agency.

“If we’re going to turn this thing around, we’re going to have to start playing some decent run defense,” said Warren Sapp, who is recovering from surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. “We can’t afford to allow 4 yards per carry like we did last year. Thankfully I’m healthy now and I should be able to return to the form of 9 years ago when I was still a competent football player.”

Sapp then recalled the day when he signed with the Raiders in 2004.

“That was an exciting time. We had a new coach who was supposed to install this crazy offensive attack,” he said. “And on defense we had me, and I was supposed to add ‘swagger’ and ‘nastiness’ to the team. Then the next year we got Randy Moss, who was also supposed to add swagger. Anyway, now we have Art Shell, who thinks we need more swagger. Whatever. What we need is for someone to drive Al Davis out to the middle of the desert and leave him there. There are fantasy owners with more sense than him.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.