Raiders Fan Insists On Taking License Photo in Full Pirate Ensemble

OAKLAND, CA--Dale Koch, self-proclaimed “Raider nut”, insisted Friday on taking his license photo in full pirate ensemble. Koch, a season ticket owner who attends every Raiders game decked out in spiked shoulder pads, face paint, and a black bandanna, informed RMV worker Marjorie Hewlett that the picture needed to be taken “in costume” or not at all. After Hewlett informed him of a policy preventing drivers from wearing disguises in license photos, Koch stormed out. He is currently operating with an expired license with no plans to renew.

“Hey, man, this is who I am,” said Koch from his apartment in downtown Oakland. “I wear my colors proud. I am a Raiders fan, a resident of the Black Hole, and a guy who dresses in pirate gear. If people can’t handle that, they can just kiss my ass. If someone can walk around in a 49ers hat, why can’t I take my license photo with spiked shoulder pads and face paint? It’s the same damn thing, if you think about it. Actually, don’t think about it.”

Koch called Hewlett “unreasonable” for not allowing him to wear the pirate suit in his license photo.

“She was really ignorant, especially when she called me a pathetic geek,” said Koch. “Since this is the way I dress all the time, shouldn’t it be how I look in my license photo? It’s just common sense. Whatever the case, I’m not changing. The Raiders need my team spirit and I’m not about to let them down. If I didn’t show up every Sunday in this scary costume, they wouldn’t have won those 4 games last year.”

Despite Koch’s complaints, Hewlett was convinced that she made the right decision in refusing to take his license photo.

“I’ve seen a lot of weirdoes in my day, but this guy in the pirate costume took the cake,” said Hewlett, 64. “I’ve seen them at Raiders games, but in public? There’s something very wrong with that. When I first saw him, I thought he was one of those Star Trek people. You know, the ones who go around dressed like Klingons. Then he told me he was a Raiders fan, and I was like ‘Whatever.’ I mean, is there really that much difference between Raiders fans and Star Trek fans?”

Charlene Koch, Dale’s wife, has gotten used to seeing her husband dressed like a Raiders mascot and thinks that people need to be more open minded about his attire.

“I’m surprised how intolerant people are about this kind of thing,” she said. “He’s actually a loving, caring, gentle guy, but for some reason people think he’s crazy just because he wears spiked shoulder pads and scary face paint. When I first met him he was wearing that get up. I thought it was a little odd at first, but I got used to it. I didn’t even mind that he wore that bloody skull mask on our wedding day.”

Koch also wears his Raiders ensemble to work. He is employed by EMS Software in San Francisco and his employer, surprisingly, has no problem with his attire. His boss, Ethan Norwich, explained that Koch is a dependable, punctual worker who just happens to have a “weird fixation” with the Oakland Raiders.

“Dale’s one of our best, that’s for sure,” said Norwich, 44. “It really doesn’t bother me that he wears that stupid outfit everywhere because it seems to keep him happy and productive. Plus, he works down in the data storage center in the basement, so it's not like customers or clients are seeing him on a regular basis.”

“There was that one time, though, that we had some clients from New York come down and check out our facility,” he continued. “They wanted to see the data storage center, so we took them down there. But we sent Dale home for the day first. We felt a little bad, but we had to do it. He’s like that retarded kid whose parents stick him upstairs in his bedroom ever time company comes over.”

Not everyone is so patient with Koch’s obsession with the Raiders, though. He has run into trouble on several occasions for wearing the pirate gear. On one such occasion, Koch was rejected for jury duty after refusing to remove his spiked shoulder pads.

“That was a bunch of bullshit, that’s for sure,” said Koch. “I get called for jury duty. I respond like the good citizen I am, and they don’t even let me in the room. Isn’t that discrimination? The idiots said that I couldn’t be impartial just because the case involved a crazed Raiders fan who shot a bunch of people.”

In addition to wearing the pirate uniform, Koch is also a member of RaiderNation, a regular contributor to Raiders blogs and message boards, and the treasurer of a local Raiders booster club. Approximately 80 percent of his time is spent on his favorite NFL team.

“Being a Raiders fan is a full time job, my friend,” said Koch. “A lot of people think it just ends when the season ends, but nothing could be farther from the truth. I have to maintain my website, Raidaz.net, monitor the day-to-day activities of the team’s front office, and keep reapplying this face makeup at regular intervals to keep it looking fresh and vivid. I don’t mind all the work, though. I’m just doing my part to help the Raiders win another Super Bowl. If it wasn’t for people like me, the Raiders would be the laughingstock of the league, not just the laughingstock of the conference.”