Sportsman of the Year: Our Lord Jesus Christ

NEW YORK--The year 2004 featured its fair share of sports heroes. There was Tom Brady, who led the New England Patriots to their second world championship in three years; Lance Armstrong, who made history by capturing his 6th Tour de France; and the Boston Red Sox, who overcame a 3-0 deficit to defeat the Yankees and win their first World Series title.

Surely these athletes are all worthy of our admiration, but there was one man whose constant meddling altered the outcome of every major sporting event of the year. That man was Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Time and time again during 2004, Jesus bestowed victory upon the team or athlete that gave him the most glory. Just ask Curt Schilling of the Red Sox, who credited Christ with his stirring victories in the ALCS and World Series. If Schilling is to be believed, his faith in God guided his pitches over the plate and vanquished the godless Yankees and Cardinals.

“I just thank my Lord Jesus Christ that I am able to be here,” said an emotional Schilling following his Game 6 victory against the Yanks. “He is the only reason I pitched tonight. Jesus cares deeply about the results of sporting events and he has a special place in his heart for the Red Sox. The Bible says that the Lord works through humans, and that was evident throughout the series. How else can you explain A-Rod’s brain farts and Kevin Brown’s pathetic pitching? No human can suck that bad on his own.”

Other members of the Red Sox also credited God for their victory. Players like Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, and David Ortiz point skyward several times a game, thanking Jesus for even the most trivial accomplishments.

“Whenever I finish a game I point to Heaven as I’m walking off the field,” said Martinez, who took the advice of Jesus and signed a $60 million pact with the Mets this offseason. “I just want to thank him for letting me be so great. I know that during our games, he drops everything, tunes out the prayers of the sick and dying, and watches me play. I guess he just likes me better than the other guys, which is why the Mets are going to win the World Series this year. Jesus hates the Red Sox now…cheap bastards.”

Though Christ clearly has a keen interest in Major League Baseball, nowhere is his influence felt more than in the NFL. On any given Sunday, an endless number of players can be seen pointing to the heavens, praying in the end zone, or participating in prayer circles next to injured players.

“Whenever I throw a touchdown I make a point to kneel down, bow my head and thank my Lord Jesus Christ for blessing me with all of my talent,” said Texans quarterback David Carr, one of Jesus’s all-time favorite players. “I know Jesus is sitting up in Heaven with his face painted red and blue, holding a giant foam finger aloft, slurping non-alcoholic beer from one of those cup-holder helmets and chanting my name whenever I score a touchdown. That’s because I’m so holy. It’s like being in an elite club, like Sam’s Club or the Columbia House CD Club, where you get to enjoy all these cool perks that nobody else can. Remember, the Bible states unequivocally that Jesus will never, ever abandon his chosen people—highly paid professional athletes.”

When questioned about his team’s failure to make the playoffs each of the past three years, Carr explained that it was all part of God’s plan.

“God obviously wants me to experience failure so my inevitable Super Bowl title will taste that much sweeter,” he said. “The Lord is constantly putting adversity in my path to make me a better person. You know, Christ had to endure 40 hellish days in the desert being tempted by Satan and he emerged victorious. I can totally relate to that, because I had to deal with that shitty offensive line my first two years. It was like being in purgatory.”

Not all Christian athletes choose to express their faith overtly on the field of play. In fact, the majority practice their religion in private, away from the glare of the spotlight. So do these athletes enjoy the same preferential treatment as their attention-grabbing counterparts? According to the Ravens’ Deion Sanders, a born-again Christian, the answer is a resounding “no.”

“If there’s one thing that Jesus likes, it’s public displays of affection,” said Sanders, who found religion after years of decadence and debauchery. “He wants to be promoted and publicized during nationally televised sporting events, just like Nextel, GMC Trucks, or Levitra. Like these corporations, Jesus needs celebrity endorsers to spread his message to the public. In fact, Christianity is a lot like Levitra. Where I was once spiritually flaccid, I am now fully engorged with the power of my faith. How’s that for cross-promotion?”