Terrell Owens Actually Believes People Are Looking Forward To His Zany Antics

PHILADELPHIA--According to teammates, Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens actually believes that people are looking forward to another season of his lame, stupid antics. Though the majority of Americans hate Owens and wish to see him suffer terribly, the star receiver has deluded himself into thinking otherwise. Therefore, he is practicing several new dance routines to entertain the nation’s football fans, the vast majority of whom do not wish to be entertained.

“I know it’s been a long winter and people are getting a little restless, but don’t worry, I’m coming back,” said Owens. “And I’ve got some surprises in store for you, too. Just wait and see the stuff I’m cooking up. NFL fans are going to be rewarded for their months of patience, believe you me. I just hope they’re ready to have some fun.”

Owens wouldn’t divulge what pleasures he had in store for his legions of fans, but hinted it would be “bigger and better” than previous years.

“A lot of people are probably worried that I’ve mellowed out, what with the new rules and all,” said Owens. “But nothing could be further from the truth. I’m still the same old crazy bastard I’ve always been. So the fans shouldn’t worry. They’re going to get their fill of T.O., even if it does cost my team fifteen yards. That’s how unselfish I am.”

Owens also believes that his teammates are eagerly anticipating his boisterous end zone celebrations.

“I know McNabb is chomping at the bit to catch a little bit of my magic,” said Owens. “Sorry D! You’ll have to wait for the season to start like everyone else.”

The confidant, cocksure Owens seems to have no idea that he teammates are dreading his idiotic, desperate cries for attention.

“Oh yea, I’m really looking forward to that,” said McNabb. “The first time I throw a touchdown pass to that guy I’m going to run and hide so I can avoid watching him embarrass himself. Doesn’t he realize how bad he looks? I guess he has no idea. I actually told him how much I hated those stupid dances, but he thought I was kidding. I guess some people are just too stupid to live.”

Coach Andy Reid has also talked to Owens about his excessive celebrations. Since the league has vowed to crack down on choreographed dance routines, Reid is extremely concerned about Owens.

“I told him that the league was cracking down on that stuff,” he said. “I tried to explain to him that, fun and thrilling as those dances are, they can seriously hurt the team. I don’t really think he took me seriously. He acted like he was some big rebel and he was going to stick it to the league and I was going to be all proud of him. I don’t know why I’d be proud of something like that. I am heterosexual.”

Commissioner Paul Tagliabue has vowed to crack down on end zone celebrations, taunting, and multi-player dance numbers. The league has already outlawed group celebrations, and has instructed referees to penalize individuals who celebrate excessively. Tagliabue, in an interview with the Philadelphia Inquirer, said that Owens is “a marked man.”

“Terrell Owens will not be making those scenes again this year,” said Tagliabue. “The coaches, the owners, and the fans have made it clear that this is a part of the game that needs to be brought under control. Frankly, if I were the opposing fans, I’d start chucking batteries at the guy if he did one of those dances in my stadium. Not that I’m advocating that. I’m just saying.”

He added: “I just can’t believe the NFL has gotten to the point where we have to address the problem of choreographed dance routines. What is this, Fame?”

Fans around the nation have also voiced their displeasure with Owens’s antics. Even in Philadelphia, there seemed to be little enthusiasm for his attention-grabbing routines.

“I’m supposed to be excited about this shit? Oh, goodie, another season of gay little prancing from a supposedly manly football player,” said Philadelphia resident Tom Verdowski, an Eagles season ticket holder. “The funny thing is he thinks we enjoy it. Doesn’t he realize this is Philadelphia? We’ve killed people for less than that.”

Despite the protests from fans, teammates, and coaches, Owens still seems convinced that people are really looking forward to more of his shitty celebrations. The receiver actually hinted that next season he will be even more boisterous.

“Yes, America, your dreams will finally be realized,” he said. “It’s been a long, cold winter, totally bereft of awesome and exciting shenanigans, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You think the sharpie incident was terrific? You think the thing with the pom-poms was mind boggling? You think you’ve seen it all? Hoo boy, have I got some surprises for you. All I ask is that you sit tight and wait. No need to keep sending those threatening letters. I’ll be back soon.”