Todd Bertuzzi Headed To Hospital To Finish Off Steve Moore

DENVER, CO--Todd Bertuzzi has been suspended by the league for the duration of the 2004 season and the playoffs. His cheap shot on Steve Moore provoked outrage across the nation, and served as a sad example of a league spiraling out of control. Still, that hasn’t stopped Bertuzzi from honoring hockey’s sacred code of revenge and retribution. That’s why he’s headed to Denver General Hospital, stick in hand, to finish the job he started that fateful night in Vancouver.

“I know I hurt him pretty bad, but there’s still work to be done,” said Bertuzzi. “He knocked out my teammate, Markus Naslund, for three months. I heard Moore could be back on the ice within two months. That’s unacceptable. I must uphold the sacred code of honor of the NHL. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a concussion for a concussion. If I don’t do this, the natural order of things will be thrown into a tailspin.”

Bertuzzi insisted that the attack was not personal.

“I have nothing against the guy, I really don’t. I hope he makes a full recovery. I’m traveling to the hospital to bash his head in with my stick because I have integrity and I believe in hockey’s time honored tradition of attacking defenseless people.”

Bertuzzi was last seen in downtown Denver, wearing full pads and skates and carrying a hockey stick.
Players around the league, even some on Moore’s own team, have voiced no opposition to Bertuzzi’s quest for justice. Though they sympathize with Moore, they realize he has a score to settle, and there’s only one way to do it.

“It’s too bad that Stevie had to hurt Markus Naslund the way he did,” said Avs defenseman Rob Blake. “He’s my teammate and I support him 100 percent, but there’s no way we can stop Todd from doing his duty. It would be the height of hypocrisy. This league is founded on the concept of an eye for an eye--you know, just like Al Qaeda.”

Avalanche coach Tony Granato also expressed sympathy with Moore, but said he won’t be the one to break with hockey tradition.

“We all know it’s part of the game. It’s an ugly part of the game, but it’s something that’s been with us for decades,” said Granato. “Who am I to mess with tradition? As a coach and former player, I must encourage Todd to break his stick over our hospitalized player’s skull, in order to maintain the integrity of hockey. We’re self-policing here. We don’t need any cops with billy clubs messing with us. That’s what hockey sticks are for. I just hope Steve will be OK. This is a truly a black day for him.”

League officials said they were concerned by Bertuzzi’s actions, but have made no move to stop him from completing his mission.

“We don’t condone this type of retribution, especially since Todd has already injured Steve very badly. But there’s not much we can do,” said Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner. “Since Todd has been suspended, and Moore is in a hospital, we feel that this is a matter for the police to handle. Hopefully, the cops can stop him before he gets to the hospital. He shouldn’t be hard to miss. He’s wearing a hockey uniform.”

However, Denver police officials have declined to get involved in the matter and are calling upon the league to step in and control its players.

“This is a league that, historically, has policed itself,” said Denver Police Chief Dale Knight. “Every night, there are assaults on the ice. We can’t arrest them all. We wouldn’t want to arrest them all. That would ruin the fun of watching hockey. If the NHL wants to stop this assault and battery, they’re gonna have to do it themselves.”

While everyone agrees Bertuzzi is about to commit a felony, nobody is inclined to stop him. The forces of the NHL’s code of honor have been set into motion and they won’t stop until justice is served.
To capitalize on the massive amount of publicity generated by the looming assault, ESPN has sent camera crews to the hospital. The crews will tape the event and broadcast it live during prime time. The broadcast will be followed by a roundtable discussion of the brutality of hockey and what must be done to stop it.

“This is a perfect example of everything that is wrong with hockey,” said ESPN producer Gerry Walter. “By capturing this attack on television, we can show the world first hand how violent the league is. We can also show them what a skull being fractured sounds like on live TV.”

But the ESPN crew isn’t the only group of people attending the event. Several players will show up to support both Moore and Bertuzzi. Bettman and other members of the NHL front office will attend. Dozens of fans are expected to be there, and Denver police officers will be on hand for crowd control. Doctors, nurses, and other hospital staff will also be present.

“Hockey is a despicable sport and this whole event is a disgrace,” said Dr. Sanjay Mehta, director of the head trauma unit. “In my country, you would never see this kind of thing taking place. Still, it will be cool to watch him get his head bashed in. I hope he bleeds like a stuck pig. I mean…I hope he makes a full recovery.”

As for Moore, he’s taking it all in stride. The courageous young forward is not afraid of his upcoming beating and will not attempt to defend himself.

“It’s tough being beaten up. I’ll be the first to admit it,” said Moore, his voice soft and weak. “But I did attack Naslund a while back, and I had this coming. A lot of people wonder why I would allow this to happen. Well, if I allow my attack on Naslund to go unpunished, how will I be able to justify having my teammates bludgeon Bertuzzi mercilessly in retribution for what he’s about to do to me?”