Veterans Stadium Imploded With Fans Still In It

PHILADELPHIA, PA--Philadelphia sports fans have long been considered the most vile, cruel, and violent fans in the nation. For over thirty years, these fans have attended home games at Veterans Stadium, one of the worst facilities in the country. So it is all too fitting that the nation’s worst stadium was imploded with the nation’s worst fans still in it.

“It’s like killing two birds with one stone,” said Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. “A miserable group of bastards went down with their miserable building. Kind of fitting, isn’t it? The funny thing is, if it happened to someone else, they’d be laughing at them. Bastards.”

The stadium was imploded at 7 a.m. on Sunday, March 21. It took 58 seconds to bring down. Fans were lured into the building by city officials who promised free beer and a lavish ceremony honoring thirty years of Philadelphia sports. There was no charge for entering, and Philly citizens lined up to attend.

“I’m pretty psyched for this ceremony. I really want to say goodbye to the Vet,” said Sal Mislowski, 34. “I heard they’re gonna march out a bunch of famous athletes from Philadelphia history. I hope they march that prick Mike Schmidt out here one more time. I can’t wait to boo that faggot again.”

“They’re serving free beer. That’s all I needed to hear,” said Ron Stone, 39. “I’m gonna get shitfaced and kick the crap out of someone. It’s gonna be great. Anyone want a piece of me? Anyone? Didn’t think so. I just hope Michael Irvin shows up. I’ve got a couple D batteries with his name on them.”

Little did the fans know, they had thrown their last battery and swilled their last beer. As soon as the seats were filled, the button was pushed and old Veterans Stadium collapsed in a cloud of dust and debris, taking approximately 65,000 of America’s worst fans with it.

The decision to implode the fans and the stadium was made by mayor John Street in conjunction with team officials from the Phillies and Eagles. Street wanted the destruction of the Vet to represent a “new beginning” for the Philadelphia sports scene, and a clean slate for fans.

“Imploding the Vet would’ve been a nice start, but that alone wouldn’t have solved all our problems,” said Street. “What we really needed to do, for the good of mankind, is implode the fans who have menaced the sports world for decades and shamed the city of Philadelphia. Now, we can take a big step toward living up to our title as the ‘City of Brotherly Love.’ And for all those people who perished in the implosion, they can be proud that they went down with their team.”

The list of atrocities attributed to Philadelphia fans is a long one. Dozens of athletes have been booed and heckled, including star Quarterback Donovan McNabb and Philadelphia native Kobe Bryant. But they were the lucky ones. Cardinals outfielder J.D. Drew was bombarded with rocks and batteries upon his return to Veterans Stadium. Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin were both taunted viciously while lying on the turf with serious injuries.

Several notable athletes who have experienced the horror of playing in front of Philadelphia’s sports fans attended the stadium/fan destruction. Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, J.D. Drew, Warren Sapp, Mike Schmidt, and Kobe Bryant were among those on hand to witness the implosion. It was Irvin, however, who derived the most pleasure from the scene.

“Yeeha! Good riddance, you bastards!” shouted Irvin, as Veterans Stadium collapsed before him. “As a tribute to the fans of Philly, I will react exactly how they reacted when I was lying half-paralyzed on the turf: Booooo!!! Booooo!!! You guys suck! Fuck you! Booooo!! Go to hell, you bums! There. how do you like it?”

Destroying the stadium and its fans benefits more than just athletes, however. Now that a large chunk of Philadelphia sports fans have been imploded, city and state officials expect the crime rate to plummet.

“Statistics show that out of the 65,000 people that perished in the implosion, 62,256 had police records for crimes ranging from disorderly conduct to first degree murder,” said police chief Randall McAuliff. “Now that all those people are gone, things should vastly improve around here. In fact, if you walk around town, everything already seems a little different. It’s less congested, people are friendlier, and it smells better. Plus, we no longer require a background check to buy batteries.”