ST LOUIS--In a stunning development Sunday in New York, God, the father almighty,
abandoned one of his most strident supporters, quarterback Kurt Warner. An
unprotected Kurt Warner was brutalized by the Giants defense that sacked him
six times and forced six fumbles.
“That was ugly,” said coach Mike Martz. “They really mauled
him. Clearly God has forgotten about him. Maybe he skipped church this week
or something.”
Warner, who was later diagnosed with a concussion, spent most of the game
running from marauding linebackers and lying flat on on his back. Opposing
defenders reported a despondent Kurt Warner, sprawled on the ground late in
the game staring at the heavens.
“My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” Warner reportedly cried
after the final sack.
“He was really upset,” said Giants linebacker Michael Strahan.
“He got pissed when I laughed and said ‘Where’s your God,
now, pal?’”
Warner is a born again Christian who uses his stature as a professional football
player to spread the gospel of God. He is well known as one of the most pious
players in the league, which makes the sudden abandonment that much more confusing.
“I just don’t get it,” said teammate Marshall Faulk. “I
thought he had a little agreement with God. You know, God protects him from
linebackers, and he talks about God every chance he gets. Obviously, God did
not hold up his end of the bargain.”
A hospitalized Kurt Warner could not provide any answers. He could only lament
the cruel abandonment by his apathetic God.
“Doesn’t God care about me and the Rams?” asked Warner wearily.
“Clearly he doesn’t. All this time I’ve been going around
saying ‘God this, God that’ and for what? Fuck it. I think I’ll
become Jewish. What? They worship God, too? Wow.”
Kurt Warner’s relationship with God goes back a long way. As an unemployed
football player who was forced to stock shelves for a living, Warner became
a born again Christian and saw his life turn around. He made his way on to
an NFL roster as a backup quarterback but eventually took the job over for
an injured Trent Green. The rest is history. He achieved fame and fortune
as a Superbowl winning QB and credited all his success to God.
“I just thank the Lord God My Savior for looking out for me,”
said Warner after his Superbowl victory. “God put me hear to give him
glory and to put a hurting on those evil bastard Titans. All glory to God.”
His star continued to shine, as did his relationship with God, until things
started to fall apart in the winter of 2001. Warner and a heavily favored
Rams team were defeated by the upstart New England Patriots in what is known
as one of the greatest upsets in Superbowl history. A season later, a banged
up Kurt Warner was ineffective and replaced by backup Marc Bulger.
“That was surprising,” said coach Martz. “I think we all
figured that Kurt was sort of ‘protected’ by God, the way the
Mafia protects people who pay them hush money, but I guess not”
Says Warner: “My faith wasn’t shaken at all by last year’s
injury. I thought God was just placing an obstacle in my way to set the stage
for a big comeback that would give more glory and honor to him. But no. Truthfully,
I haven’t heard from him since last year. But I thought he was just
busy. I guess Nietzsche was right. God truly is dead.”
Several NFL players disagree with Warner's assessment. They claim that God
is alive and well, and assists them everyday of their lives. Their only explanation
for Warner’s rift with the deity is that God perhaps ‘needed some
space.’
Says Mark Brunell, noted Jesus freak: “I just think maybe God got a
little sick of Kurt. I mean, Kurt was talking to him seven, eight times a
day. And not just for football either. He would bother him about every little
thing, like which tie went with his pants the best, or which side he should
order with his dinner.”
As for God, he insists that his relationship with Warner is still intact,
but he needed a little break:
“Look, Kurt’s a sweet kid, really. I always like someone who gives
glory and honor to me every chance he can get. And that guy knows passages
from the Bible that even I didn’t know existed. He’s good. But
I just got a little sick of him bugging me about every little thing. Jesus,
the guy’s like Ned Flanders sometimes. I’m just exercising a little
tough love. I want to see him succeed on his own. Oh, and I’ve also
got a few other things on my plate like oh, I dunno...hunger, pestilence,
famine and war? He-lo!”
Warner may be getting the message. He claims to be finished with God and on
to bigger and better things. Several players have reportedly contacted him
with advice on seeking alternatives to an unreliable God.
“A couple guys have called me and recommended Satan,” said Warner.
“I must say, it does sound tempting. Turns out that half the Tampa Bay
Bucs, last year’s Super Bowl team, have deals with him. And from what
I hear, he doesn’t renege. I don’t know, I just have to do what’s
best for me and my family. But for now, I’m an atheist.”
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