NEW YORK--Catholics voiced their outrage today at the NBA’s recent promotion, ‘Abortion Night’, in which fans attending games were treated to abortion-themed food, drinks, and entertainment.  Jane Donahue, president of Catholics United, said the evening was an insult to Catholics everywhere.

“This is an insult to Catholics everywhere and an affront to human decency,” said Donahue. “They were actually giving out aborted fetus bobbleheads at the entrance! God knows what the NBA was thinking with this one. Apparently they ran out of ethnic groups to celebrate, i.e. sell shit to.”

In the past, the NBA has embraced the concept of nights or entire months dedicated to celebrating Hispanic, Black, and Asian heritage, but never before has the league waded into a political minefield like this.

Across the country, reactions ranged from shock and disgust to amusement and mild befuddlement at the latest theme night.  But the reaction was strongest in so-called “red states” where many patrons left arenas rather than be subjected to pro-choice propaganda

“Jesus, I’ve never seen anything like that,” said Oklahoma City resident George Osterberg, 57, who attended a Thunder game on Abortion Night. “We sit down and immediately there’s a tribute to goddamn Planned Parenthood on the scoreboard. Then I go to get a beer, and the cup has a drawing of a fetus in a circle with a line through it.  Then at halftime they announce a goddamn raffle for a free abortion!  Free abortions! So that’s why my wife and I got up and left. Also the Thunder were losing by 20 to the Sacramento Queens.”

Other fans saw the promotion as nothing more than harmless fun.   

“Oh big deal. People are getting all worked up over nothing,” said New Jersey Nets fan Emily Gibbon, 35. “If you’re not into abortion, just throw the bobblehead doll away. If you don’t want to have an abortion, don’t participate in the raffle.  Personally, I love abortions. I won a freebie in the raffle! Now I just have to get pregnant so I can get some use out of it.”

The NBA’s celebration of abortion rights has caused two major Catholic organization to call for a boycott of the league and its products.  

“In the past few years, we have seen our religious freedom relentlessly attacked and this is just the latest incident in a disturbing trend,” said Daniel Watts of online group  “Catholics should send the league a message by refusing to attend games. That's right, no more Catholics at NBA games. That should put a dent in ticket sales. Catholics drink a shitload of beer, too.”

The NBA has stopped short of apologizing for Abortion Night, but did say it has plans to reach out to Catholic groups in the future.

“I understand that some Catholics were offended by our Abortion Night,” said Commissioner David Stern. “But people have to remember that pro-choice liberals are, in fact, a pretty sizeable demographic.  Of course, we realize Catholics are a big demographic, too, so get ready for…drumroll please….Anti-Contraception Night!. That’s right. We’ll be railing against birth control on June 24th. What’s that? No, that doesn’t conflict with Abortion night. Think about it. People stop using contraception, they need to have abortions. Boom. Synergy.”

Copyright 2012, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.






















Catholics Protest NBA’s Abortion Night

March 18, 2012          
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