Strength:
Cornerback Pacman Jones has loads of talent, but he’s completely batshit. Somebody should sit him down and explain to him that being an NFL player is a privilege, not a right. Then they should back away slowly without making any sudden movements.

Weakness:
The Titans would love to have Reggie Bush right now, but he wasn’t available when they picked. They’re going to be kicking themselves for that for years to come.

Question mark:
Some people are worried that LenDale White is overweight. Jesus, he’s not a jockey. He’s supposed to be a cow.

Outlook:
Billy Volek is in danger of losing his starting job to newly-acquired Kerry Collins. If you’re on the same team as Kerry Collins and fall behind him on the depth chart, you may want to think about some of the exciting career opportunities at the NFL network.

Strength:
The Texans have a lot of players who can throw, catch, run, and tackle, but they just haven't been able to bring it all together. This year they will bring it all together and go 4-12.

Weakness:
The Texans are considering giving the starting running back job to Wali Lundy. Personally I would've selected Reggie Bush. You know the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO EVER LIVED? Yea, that might have been a sound selection. Wali Lundy has a great future of giving football clinics to kids who've never heard of him.

Question Mark:
Mario Williams better be good. Actually, since he got a ton of guaranteed money up front, it’s not really imperative.

Outlook:
Fantasy tip: Don't select Bryan Pittman. He's a long snapper

Strength:
This team is focusing on finishing strong this year, as opposed to last year, when they focused on fizzling out at the end. What a shit strategy that turned out to be. Oh well, hindsight is 20-20, I guess.

Weakness:
They lost the heart and soul of their team, Mike Vanderjagt, to free agency. Without him expect Peyton Manning to regress considerably, as he will have no one to hold him accountable.

Question Mark:
Can the Colts get the monkey off their back this year and win a Super Bowl? Probably. I don’t think the monkey would be shedding any tears to get away from them anyway.

Outlook:
The defense was much improved last year, but they’re still not an elite unit. You wanna see an elite unit? I got an elite unit for you right here, honey.

Strength:
The Jaguars are a team nobody wants to face in the postseason because they might have to travel to Jacksonville and stare at those gross teal uniforms.

Weakness:
Reggie Williams has all the tools to be a great receiver but he can’t seem to put it all together. It must be pretty frustrating for him, but not that frustrating, since he gets paid either way.

Question Mark:
The Jaguars will try and move the ball a little better on offense this year in order to create more scoring opportunities. Actually moving the ball one yard down field would qualify as better. Scoring a touchdown would be like the moon landing.

Outlook:
This could be the Jaguars season if everything falls into place. Of course you could say that about every team. But it’s more true for the Jaguars because I can’t think of anything else to say about them.

Strengths:
The Bengals have a few assholes on their roster, but if they start winning those assholes will magically turn into likable guys. Because only nice people win, and meanies lose.

Weakness:
Everybody’s worried about Carson Palmer’s leg, but last time I checked, you don’t throw the ball with your leg. Maybe if people stopped babying him he'd take off the skirt and become a leader.

Question Mark:
If Chad Johnson really wants to keep busy, he should do a touchdown dance every time the other team scores. At that point he’ll be dancing more than the cast of Rent, and he’ll look twice as gay.

Outlook:
The Bengals are hoping Frostee Rucker has put his raping days behind him. So are the women of Cincinnati.

Strengths:
The Steelers aren't satisfied with winning just one Super Bowl. They want to win two. Then they'll be satisfied and can dismantle the franchise.

Weakness:
Santonio Holmes is the kind of player that can disrupt a defense. He can’t catch, though.

Question Mark:
What will they do now that Jerome Bettis is gone? Pretty much the same thing they did when he was here: give the ball to Willie Parker and Duce Staley.

Outlook:
Since this is Bill Cowher’s final season with the Steelers, expect him to use up all his sick days and vacation time while Ken Whisenhunt takes over the day-to-day operations of the team. That’s what I love about quitting jobs. You give your two weeks notice, and you can basically tell everyone to fuck off.

Strength:
It’s important for Charlie Frye to show his teammates he has confidence in the huddle. I would be all, ‘Are the dogs in the house? Are the dogs in the house?’ and then if somebody said no I would spit in their face. Then I’d call a play before the clock ran down.

Weakness:
If the Browns don’t win the Super Bowl this year, the blame should be placed squarely on the shoulders of kickoff returner Joshua Cribbs. You can’t win a Super Bowl without great special teams, asshole.

Question Mark:
Freelance fat person Ted Washington has been brought in to shore up the defensive line. Two more teams and Mr. Loyalty will have played on every team in the NFL. Hey, at least he’s not in it for the money.

Outlook:
For the Browns, it’s time to put up or shut up – or to make some positive progress toward building a contending team in the future.

Strength:
Jamal Lewis is coming into this season with a chip on his shoulder. What happens when a running back with a chip on his shoulder faces a linebacker with a chip on his shoulder? Maybe they both just die right there from the force of the collision. Powerful things, those shoulder chips.

Weakness:
This is a much different team than the one that won the Super Bowl in 2000. That was the Rams.

Question Mark:
The Ravens have gone through 23 different quarterbacks during the Brian Billick era. Steve McNair is number 24. The record is 26 by the Chicago Bears, who did it all in one season.

Outlook:
Edgar Allen Poe must be rolling over in his grave watching this team. Quote the Raven: You blow.

Strength:                                                        
Eric Mangini may be the youngest head coach in the league, but he’s wise beyond his years. For instance, he managed to rope the Jets into hiring him.

Weakness:
Curtis Martin is finished, and the rest of the backs on the depth chart are a bunch of nobody's from nowheresville. Leon Washington? Is he from the 70’s?

Question Marks:
Patrick Ramsey is once again hoping for a starting job. Maybe he should take the hint and just give up. Backup quarterbacks can get rich, too. I don’t see what the problem is.

Outlook:
The Jets are going to go from bad to worse, so I guess you could say it’s a transition year for them.

Strength:
They used a first round draft pick on a safety, whose job it is to do that ‘raise the roof’ gesture and push running backs out of bounds. They would have been better off not picking anybody and saving their money.

Weakness:
Cleo Lemon. I don’t know anything about the guy, could be an All-Pro, but I don’t want him on my team.

Question mark:
The Dolphins 6-game win streak at the end of last season convinced a lot of people they’re going to win the Super Bowl this year. But get this: I checked with the Elias Sports Bureau, and it’s possible to win 6 straight at the end of a season and not come back to win the Super Bowl the next year.

Outlook:
The Dolphins are finished, as a franchise and a mammal. Seriously, when was the last time there were any good dolphin movies?

Strength:
The Patriots made a lot moves in the offseason, like letting the greatest field goal kicker in history go to their main rival and signing Jonathan Sullivan. But will moves alone get them to the Super Bowl?

Weakness:
Troy Brown is one of the league’s worst cornerbacks, yet the Patriots continue to keep him around. Clearly Bill Belichick is losing his edge.

Question Mark:
The big question mark is the running back position, where Corey Dillon is beat-up and Laurence Maroney is from Minnesota. Kevin Faulk is a game-changer, though, when he makes those crucial fumbles.

Outlook:
The Patriots picked up an unknown kicker, Steve Gostkowski, to try and fill the shoes of the legendary Adam Vinatieri. He should know that no matter what he does, everyone in New England is going to hate him. Don’t let that bother you though, Steve. Just go out there and have fun.

Strength:
Willis McGahee is coming into this season with – you guessed it – a chip on his shoulder. I can’t keep track of all these chips. Are they any players who aren’t coming into the season with a chip on their shoulder?

Weakness:
The Bills revamped their offensive line with a couple of picks in the 5th and 7th rounds of the draft. They’re going to push some people off the line, alright. Just hope they don’t push back.

Question Mark:
Hey, what’s that in Marv Levy’s mailbox? Why it’s Peerless Price’s 2006 season! Well at least he sprung for postage.

Outlook:
The Bills are hoping to sneak up on the rest of the division, their fans, their front office and their families and finish 7-9.