Danny Ainge Insists Franchise-Ruining Plan ‘Right On Target’

BOSTON, MA--When Danny Ainge took over the Boston Celtics last year, he had a plan. The former C’s star indicated that while he was happy with the current team, changes had to be made in order to lay the foundation for the future. He promised to do whatever it took to fulfill his vision for the Celtics. This year, he began that long process by systematically dismantling the team, trading away several popular and productive players, and paving the way for Jim O’Brien to resign. Fans, players, and members of the media are outraged at the state of the team, but Ainge insists his franchise-ruining plan is “right on target.”

“I know people find it hard to believe that there is a method to my madness,” said Ainge, during a press conference after yet another Celtics loss. “But believe me, I have a plan. I plan to methodically and efficiently destroy this franchise, ripping away at its very fabric until there’s nothing left but a bunch of rookies and poor Paul Pierce. Believe me, I know what I’m doing. I’m ruining this franchise, and fast.”

Once a Celtics player, Ainge understands the demanding world of Boston sports. He knew what was in store for him the day he became President of Basketball Operations. Despite enormous pressure from the fans of Boston and the ruthless local media, Ainge has the courage of his convictions and won’t stop until his franchise-ruining plan is complete.

“I’m not the kind of guy to back off from a challenge. One thing I learned in this business is that you have to believe in your own philosophy and stick with it to the bitter end. There are always going to be people telling you your crazy, but so be it. Despite what everyone says, I’m going to fuck this team up beyond repair.”

The move to dismantle the Celtics was greeted with grave concern by observers, especially since the team made the second round of the playoffs last year. While few were shocked when free-agent-to-be Antoine Walker was dealt way to the Mavericks, the trade of Eric Williams and Tony Battie sent shockwaves throughout the region. The subsequent resignation of O’Brien galvanized Ainge’s image as a complete idiot.

“Danny Ainge is a goddamn idiot. He has no clue what he’s doing. There’s no method to his madness. He’s just trading everyone away,” said Fox Sports New England’s Gary Tanguay during his postgame recap. “He came in and said he had a ‘vision for the future.’ Well, unless that vision involved blowing up the franchise, losing the fans, and rendering the Celtics less relevant than the Bruins, then I guess he’s failed miserably.”

If Celtic Nation is fed up with Ainge’s 2004 moves, they should probably avert their eyes when he moves forward on his plan for next year. Sources close to the team reported that Ainge is “seriously considering” trading Paul Pierce, as well as the team’s two first round picks, to a division contender. That team could be the hated New Jersey Nets, who are said to be offering little used power forward Brian Scalabrine and a pair of season tickets in exchange for the Celtics package. Ainge would not confirm or deny those reports.

“Nobody is untradeable. I’ve said that from day one,” said Ainge. “Paul is tradeable if someone can come up with the right package for us. Of course, it would have to be something really lopsided and unfair that would break the hearts of everyone in Boston and further erode the Celtics rich legacy.”

He also noted that the championship banners hanging from the Fleet Center ceiling are “gaudy and ostentatious,” and that he may be willing to part with them.

“Hey, if I could get rid of all those ugly banners I would. Really, what good are they doing? Sure, they’re a source of pride for an incredibly storied franchise and a reminder of good days past, but to me they’re a little ostentatious. We have to look to the future. The horrible, horrible future.”

As for Pierce, he claimed to be excited about the prospect of escaping from the sinking ship.

“Me? Traded? Oh, don’t tease me like that. Please don’t tease me. You’re serious? Yes! Yes! You have no idea what an annoying little turd this guy is. He’s always walking around the locker room bugging everyone and giving us these stupid pep talks, when we all know he’s fucking the team up beyond repair. I always said I wanted to retire a Celtic, but the developments over the past few months have changed my mind. The fans and media only know the half of it. For instance, did you know he took all our towels away? Now we have to bring our own from home. He also got rid of the weight room and put in a smoking lounge. None of us even smoke! He told us we should start, probably because it would make us suck even more. Great advice, asshole.”

Ainge insisted that the changes he made to the locker room were “sorely needed.” He also pointed out that no trade for Paul Pierce is imminent and that, despite the angry reaction from Celtics fans, he will continue laying the groundwork for his franchise-fucking-up plan.

“Look. When Einstein came up with the theory of relativity, people thought he was nuts. When what’s-his-name said that the earth was round, everyone said he was crazy. When Darwin posited his theory of evolution, he was ostracized. When Hitler…oh, forget it. My point is, people can’t see the big picture yet. They don’t realize I have a plan and it’s working. I guarantee that, within three years, this franchise will be in the toilet. Then I’ll move on to my next job. I’m thinking of getting into baseball. Perhaps I’ll try to hook up with the Red Sox. Heh Heh Heh.”