Strength:                                                        
Defense. The Red Sox have gold glove winner Mike Lowell at third base, tiny person Alex Gonzalez at short, Mark Loretta at second base, and Kevin Youkilis at first base platooning with JT Snow. Last year they lost a lot of close games with shoddy defense. This year they’ve chosen to lose those games with shoddy offense.

Weakness:
Despite the front office’s best efforts, there are still a handful of players remaining from the 2004 World Series team.

Question Marks:
Curt Schilling is another year older and closer to death. Can the Red Sox squeeze another decent year out of him before the grim reaper comes knocking?

Outlook:
Manager Terry Francona has a lot of new faces on his team this year and he also has to deal with some old faces, like Manny Ramirez, who openly disdains the Red Sox, their management, and the media, which is probably why he has the respect of everyone in New England.

Strength:
They’ve got Brian Roberts at second base, who was having a career year in 2005 before getting injured. He and Tejada provide a solid middle infield, and will probably look really good watching all those line drives rocket over their heads into the outfield.

Weakness:
Their outfield consists of Jay Gibbons, Jeff Conine, and Corey Patterson, who struck out 198 times last year in 187 at bats. He does have speed on the basepaths, though, which will be useful when a third strike gets past the catcher.

Question mark:
The Orioles acquired Kevin Millar in the offseason, who's a good clubhouse guy. It’s when he leaves the clubhouse that things fall apart.

Outlook:
The Orioles have a new coach this year and a new outlook. They’re trying to forget their collapse of last season, but it’s hard to forget when it was only last year, and they still pretty much suck.

Strength:
Carl Pavano showed last year that he can handle the spotlight in New York, as long as he’s not pitching.

Weakness:
With a fastball topping off at 93 mph, Randy Johnson look less like an intimidating gunslinger and more like that dorky kid in high school who grew 8 inches between freshman and sophomore year and was too awkward to walk down the hall.

Question Mark:
Shawn Chacon and Aaron Small should return to the form that made them so successful last year. Either that, or they’ll return to the form that made them horrible every other year of their careers.

Outlook:
Even though the Yankees had the highest payroll in the league last season they still couldn’t finish better than an inexpensive group of small-ball pussies nobody’s ever heard of.

Strength:
New manager Joe Maddon brings an air of optimism along with him, like every other new manager in the history of baseball. He also brings a proven track record of sitting next to Mike Scioscia and spitting out sunflower seeds.

Weakness:
The pitching staff is the weak spot on this team, but they still have hope if Mark Hendrickson can regain the form that made him a winner in that June 8th, 2003 game against the Twins.

Question Mark:
Aubrey Huff has an embarrassingly feminine name. If I were him, I would change it to “Michael” or “Harold” or “Raymond.” Those are good, solid, dignified male names.

Outlook:
This team still has not recovered from the losses of Greg Vaughn, Vinny Castillo, and Jose Canseco. If the previous ownership didn’t have such an itchy trigger finger, all three of those guys would still be wearing Tampa uniforms and who knows how many championship banners would be hanging from the freakish fiberglass ceiling at Tropicana Field?

Strengths:
The Jays acquired Troy Glaus to hit 40 or so home runs and strike out 200 times. But don’t worry. The home runs and RBI’s will cancel out all those stranded runners resulting from strike outs, for a net gain of approximately nothing.

Weaknesses:
Eric Hinske

Question Marks:
The bullpen will be anchored by BJ Ryan, or better be, since they’re paying him $80 million a year. Apparently it’s really difficult to find a pitcher who can work one inning without fucking it up.

Outlook:
Remember when people used to have sex in the window of that hotel in centerfield? That was funny.

Strengths:
GM Kenny Williams has been intent on improving this roster, and he has, with the addition of Javier Vazquez, who boasted a 4.45 ERA last year along with 15 losses in Arizona. The White Sox are hoping that this change of scenery will help Vazquez more than the last four changes of scenery.

Weakness:
Third basemen Joe Crede is one of those guys that was a hero in the postseason but will be worthless the rest of his career. If he’s still in the league after the first week of the season I’ll be shocked. If I’m Kenny Williams, I’m getting him out of there now before he pollutes the entire team.

Question Mark:
Manager Ozzie Guillen is still treading the line between entertaining and psychotic, which corresponds exactly with the line between winning and losing. If the team loses this year and loses again next year, Guillen will be shipped back to Venezuela where he can team up with Hugo Chavez to prepare for the upcoming US invasion.

Outlook:
The White Sox have even more talent now than they did last year when they blew a 14-game division lead and got to the playoffs by the grace of God and the Indians getting tired. OK, maybe they needed to get more talent.

Strengths:
The Indians boast a decent middle infield, with fatso Ronnie Belliard playing second base and some nobody named Jhonny Peralta manning the shortstop position. Their job will be to retrieve any ball hit in their general vicinity and relay it to the first basemen prior to the arrival of the batter.

Weakness:
Eric Wedge is in way over his head.

Question Mark:
The starting rotation is somewhat of a question mark this year after the departure of Mr. Loyalty, Kevin Millwood, and somebody named Scott Elarton who cashed in by signing a free agent deal with the Kansas City Royals. When a player signs a free agent deal with the Royals, he might as well drop all the pretense and publicly declare that he’s only in it for the money.

Outlook:
The Indians have reason to be optimistic in 2006. They finished 2005 hot (if you consider violently choking in the last weekend of the season “hot”) and look to be a contender this year.

Strength:
Torii Hunter is one of the games best centerfielders. Unfortunately he has fragile girl ankles that snap like twigs whenever he tries to make a catch. He would be wise to get them replaced now while he still has a few years left.

Weakness:
At first base they have Justin Morneau, who, I believe, is Canadian, which means you can pencil him in for a mediocre baseball career followed by a life of failure and regret.

Question Mark:
Jason Bartlett and Luis Castillo will man the middle of the infield for the Twins this year. Between the two of them, they should smack approximately one home run. However, Castillo is a 100 RBI man (for his career)

Outlook:
If the Twins play their cards right, they could be this year's Chicago White Sox. I'm taking about the 2002 White Sox, of course.

Strength:
Aside from “ace” Kenny Rogers, the Tigers have Mike Maroth, the 20-game winner, er, loser from a few years ago, Nate Robinson, and Jeremy Bonderman. If these guys can step up big time and perform better than they’ve ever performed and in fact better than they’re actually capable of performing, and the playoff field is expanded to include all teams, expect the Tigers to make the playoffs.

Weakness:
Roster

Question Mark:
My friend knows a guy who works at Comerica Park and he said that Ivan Rodriguez is nailing one of the secretaries there.

Outlook:
The Tigers should be a fun team to watch this year if you’re an Indians fan.

Strength:
The Royals infield consists of Mark Grudzielanek, Angel Berroa, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Mark Teahan, a young player who has a tiny sliver of promise, which puts him above nearly everyone else on the team, and let’s face it, every one else in Kansas City.

Weakness:
Their GM, Alan Baird (I refuse to call him Allard), has committed to spending some money on free agents. The biggest acquisition was Reggie Sanders, a 38-year old outfielder that can hit around 24 home runs a year, which would be very impressive if this was 1982. The rest of the outfield is populated by people I don’t know, don’t want to know, and would rather not even think about. Moving right along.

Question mark:
Manager Buddy Bell restored something called “accountability” to the clubhouse last year. Apparently “accountability” doesn’t involve pitching, hitting, or fielding. However, expect this team to lead the league in accountability this year.

Outlook:
Here is the one team in baseball that has absolutely no chance this year, or any other year. Cover your eyes Royals fans. Cover your ears, too, to avoid radio coverage.

Strength:
Darin Erstad is in a contract year and he’s going to want to cash in. Just remember, Darin, to leave everything on the field this season, because when its over and you get that big contract you’ll never have to lift a finger for this stinking franchise again.

Weakness:
Garret Anderson is a consistent run producer but he’s over the hill. The Angels should find a quality backup for him just in case something happens, like his old, brittle bones disintegrate mid-game and he has to be vacuumed up with a dustbuster.

Question Mark:
The staff is anchored by Bartolo Colon, who is about three donuts away from attaining morbidly obese status, yet he still manages to eat up innings (no pun intended) and be a very effective major league pitcher. Scientists should investigate this immediately to unlock the secret of his baffling success so we can enter a golden age of fat people dominance.

Outlook:
The courts ruled that “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” was perfectly acceptable for a team that plays in Anaheim and not in Los Angeles. So if you’re starting a major league ballclub and want to generate some buzz, tack on the word “Los Angeles” to the name, i.e. the Los Angeles Dragonflys of Topeka

Strength:
Kevin Millwood. After the Red Sox offered Millwood a one-year contract for around $83, the savvy Rangers swooped and offered him four years at $48 million, with an option for a 5th year. That option will be picked up only if Kevin Millwood is the GM.

Weakness:
They have a shortstop named Michael Young who supposedly had 221 hits last year, but that’s sounds a bit suspect to me. Wouldn’t he be really famous if he had that many hits? Something tells me this is a little PR-gimmick cooked up by the Rangers marketing people. Talk about desperate. Look for Young (if he even exists) to put up mediocre numbers until a minor league prospect is ready to take his place.

Question Mark:
The corners of the infield will be patrolled by the fuckin awesome Mark Teixeira and the sort-of-awesome Hank Blalock, who must rebound this year or he'll see a sharp decline in the quality of pussy he’s getting.

Outlook:
Chan Ho Park and his 6ish ERA have been shipped to San Diego, but that’s only 19 hours away. If I were a Rangers fan I still wouldn’t feel completely safe.

Strength:
Jamie Moyer returns again at the age of 43 to throw more slow pitches that big, dumb major league hitters can’t hit.

Weakness:
Ok, don’t laugh, but the Mariners signed – drumroll, please – Kevin Appier to a minor league contract. I guess that means Bret Saberhagen wasn’t available.

Question Mark:
The bullpen boasts “everyday” Eddie Guardado, Rafael Soriano and some idiot named JJ Putz, who will get the ball in blowout games after the shortstop pitches.

Outlook:
The Mariners should improve slightly this year with the addition of Jarrod Washburn. Also they should get better production out of Adrian Beltre, even if he bats blindfolded with his bat upside down.

Strength:
The A’s made some key offseason acquisitions this year. They picked up Estaban Loaiza, who is a Cy Young caliber pitcher as long as the year is 2003, and Milton Bradley, who should bring a level of intensity to the team and help weed out any racists they may have in the clubhouse.

Weakness:
Speaking of character guys, the A’s also have Jay Payton, who forced his way out of Boston last year by tormenting the manager. Better keep him happy, Ken Macha!

Question mark:
Catcher Jason Kendall hits like a half-drunk receptionist at an office softball game. However, he does “handle the pitching staff well,”which means he catches the ball when they throw it. Oh, and he helps decide which pitch to throw. I think Sprint Virtual Manager can do that by itself at this point, Jason.

Outlook:
They A’s are known for the “fun” and “loose” atmosphere in their clubhouse. You can bet they’ll be playing practical jokes all season and blasting the Nickelback after every game. Of course, that will be in stark contrast to the postseason, when the locker room will be eerily silent and dark.