Peter Angelos Insists New Washington Ballpark Not Have Any Seats

BALTIMORE, MD--According to MLB sources, Orioles owner Peter Angelos has insisted that any new ballpark built in the Washington, DC area not have any seats. The stipulation is part of a larger proposal that would compensate the Baltimore Orioles for any losses they would incur from the addition of a new franchise in the area. Once the deal is finalized, construction would begin on a brand new, state-of-the-art baseball stadium with all the modern amenities except seating. No fans would be allowed into the ballpark.

“I know it’s a difficult proposal, but it’s something I must insist on,” said Angelos. “I won’t accept a new franchise that’s going to draw crowds away from the Orioles. We were here first, after all. Therefore, I’m willing to allow the Expos to move into town, but the new stadium shouldn’t have any seats. And I don’t want any of the ‘standing room only’ bullshit either. Nothing. If they’re gonna play, they’re gonna play to an empty crowd. Don’t worry. It’s not that bad. We’ve been doing it for years.”

Angelos has been opposed to sharing the DC market with another franchise since the idea first came up in 2002. The Orioles’fanbase has always included the nation’s capital, and a new team would mean diminished returns for Angelos’ club. However, the plan to relocate the Expos to Washington picked up steam and it soon became clear that Angelos would have to accept a compromise.

“I’m a reasonable man. I really am. I’ve always said I’d be willing to compromise for the good of the league,” said Angelos. “I don’t think this request is all that unreasonable. Think about it. For years, the Expos played in Montreal in front of nobody. All those perfectly good seats gone to waste. Think about the amount of revenue that could have been saved if they never installed the seating in the first place. See? It makes sense once you think about it.”

The idea may make sense to Angelos, but baseball officials are finding it tough to swallow. Moving the franchise out of Montreal was supposed to increase attendance, not decrease it. Still, the league is happy that Angelos is willing to compromise at all.

“No seats? That’s a tough sell,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “Let’s see, let me add this up on my calculator. Say around $65 million for the land, $350 million to build the new stadium, $16 million for a parking lot—no, wait, we wouldn’t need a parking lot--and then about $40 million more to finance the project. Now if I add all that up and subtract the projected revenue from ticket sales….no. No, this isn’t going to work out. A very creative and helpful suggestion, but no. That’s fucking insane.”

When told of Angelos’ idea, Washington mayor Anthony Williams immediately called a city council meeting in order to discuss the logistics. After some deliberation, Williams and his council arrived at the same conclusion as Selig: the idea, though forward thinking and progressive, simply doesn’t work.

“The numbers just don’t add up here. We can’t be losing money with this thing. That’s not why we’re getting into it,” said Williams. “We’ve crunched the numbers every which way we could and there’s just no way we can build a stadium without seats. Where would people watch the game? How would the concession companies and vendors make any profit? Who would cheer for the home team and throw batteries at the opposition?”

But Angelos is not budging from his initial proposal. He has suggested alternative ways to bring in revenue, such as television contracts and merchandising.

“You can make a ton of money selling T-shirts and hats and stuff,” said Angelos. “You just sell it outside the stadium and in sporting good stores. Big bucks there. And how about television contracts? Think about it. If nobody is allowed into the games, where are they going to watch the team play? Their couches! Bingo! You can get a few million in there easy. You just have to think outside the box. You don’t always have to take the traditional route of ‘getting rich’ and ‘being successful.’ Am I starting to sound desperate? Because I am.”

So far neither side has budged from their respective positions. Selig, Williams, and other officials are insisting that the stadium be a conventional one, with seats, concession, and merchandise sales. With the blockbuster deal hanging in the balance, Selig has called an emergency meeting with all parties involved to discuss a solution that will work for everyone. Until then Expos players will have to sit and wonder what their fate will be.

First baseman Brad Wilkerson said that waiting around is nothing new.

“We’ve been doing this for the past few years. It’s no big deal,” he said. “We’re all pretty sure that we’re going to be moving to Washington DC. It’s just a matter of satisfying that pain-in-the-ass Peter Angelos. Personally, I don’t see the logic in playing in a stadium with no seats, but at this point I’d play in an Iraqi soccer stadium that doubled as a mass graveyard. Hell, we could even use the new stadium as a mass graveyard. That way we can have people in the stands, but they would be dead, so we wouldn’t actually be making any money off them. Plus, the crowd noise would be slightly louder than in Montreal.”