Carlos Beltran Express Desire To Become Overpaid Prick That Everybody Hates

HOUSTON, TX--A free agent for the first time in his career, Carlos Beltran has expressed his desire to become an overpaid prick that everybody hates. Inspired by Alex Rodriguez’s gargantuan contract, which has become an albatross for the Yanks third baseman, Beltran is looking for a similar deal.

“You see people like A-Rod, Jason Giambi, Ken Griffey, Jr. and Chan Ho Park--guys who signed huge deals that subjected them to unbearable pressure and made them the subject of scorn and ridicule everywhere they played,” said Boras. “Carlos feels like he is in the same league as these guys and he deserves the same kind of deal. He wants to be rich, surly and miserable, and I’m determined to make it happen for him. Before the contract expires, he’ll hate baseball and his life, and he’ll have piles of useless money that he could never possible spend. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”

But Boras was quick to point out that it’s not all about making his client rich.

“It’s not all about Carlos’s bank account. It’s also about my bank account,” said Boras. “See, I get 10 percent of these deals. So while my client is being bashed in the press for being greedy, and he’s failing to meet the insane expectations that come with such a mammoth contract, I’ll be at home rolling around in hundred dollar bills.”

After being traded to the Houston Astros at the All-Star break, Beltran helped lead the team to the NL Wild Card. His stock soared during the postseason when he batted .435 with 8 home runs and 14 RBI’s. Now he stands poised to land a historic deal that could pay him up to $200 million dollars. For his part, Beltran says he’s ready for the increased scrutiny that comes with such a deal.

“I’m not only ready for the scrutiny, I’m looking forward to it,” said Beltran. “One thing I’ve always wanted is for people to resent me for my salary. I want to be the subject of bitterness and bile at the hands of the fans and media. Heck, there’s a good chance I’ll end up being one of those players who’s really good but never wins a World Series. By the time I retire, I’ll just be a sullen, sour little man beaten down by years of pressure and frustration. That’s something every little kid dreams about when they’re playing ball in the back yard.”

When Alex Rodriguez signed his landmark 10-year, $250 million dollar deal with the Texas Rangers, he was expected to be the face of the franchise for years to come. Unfortunately, his salary left the Rangers financially crippled and unable to upgrade their woeful pitching staff. After 3 years of mediocrity, Rodriguez was traded to the Yankees where he would become the poster boy for the modern day spoiled athlete.

Beltran is hoping for a similar experience.

“A-Rod is a really lucky guy. I envy him,” said Beltran. “Not only him, but also guys like [Jason] Giambi and Ken Griffey, Jr., too. In fact, it’s really rare for a player’s performance to actually improve after signing a huge mega-contract. 9 times out of 10 their performance drops off, and then the shit hits the fan. That’s what I want. I’m going to bleed whichever team that signs me for every penny they have. I’ll be as greedy as possible, making it that much easier for everyone to hate me.”

It is not known whether the Astros will be able to afford Beltran, but several other teams are interested. One of them, the Chicago Cubs, said they were ready to pay any price.

“We’d love to have him in centerfield for us,” said GM Jim Hendry. “Money is no object, really. It’s our hope that he can come here and help us win that elusive championship. We’d be more than happy to sign him to a 10-year deal worth well over $100 million. We’d be crazy not to. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

Wherever Beltran lands, he is eager to begin the next phase of his life. The talented 27-year-old already has a good idea how his career will pan out.

“My first year I’ll perform decently. Don’t forget I hit .267 this year. Maybe my second year I’ll suffer a hamstring injury that will nag me for the rest of my career. Then I’ll become bitter, and mouth off to the press and neglect the fans. I’ll become more and more withdrawn and eventually be a glowering loner that makes his teammates uncomfortable. But my huge contract will prevent me from being traded. Maybe I’ll be placed on waivers. Oh God, I should only be so lucky. That would all be a dream come true.”