Milwaukee Brewers Unveil New Slogan ‘We Still Exist’

MILWAUKEE, WI--The Milwaukee Brewers, one of the least successful professional sports franchises of the past decade, are looking forward to a new beginning in 2004. With plenty of young talent and a state-of-the-art ballpark, the team appears to be headed in the right direction. In addition to on-field improvements, the organization is embarking on a public relations crusade to renew regional interest in the once-great franchise and remind people that the Brewers do still exist.

“Our new slogan ‘We still exist’ is part of an aggressive campaign to generate buzz and excitement around the Brewers,” said Jon Greenberg, director of media relations. “It’s also a great way to remind the people of Milwaukee that we’re still here. Contrary to popular opinion, we have not been contracted, sold, relocated or burnt to the ground. Nor have we vaporized into thin air. We’re here and we’ve been here for decades. We never left, although judging from our ticket sales the past few years, maybe we should’ve”

At press time the Brewers merchandise office was producing thousands of new items bearing the slogan ‘We still exist.’ Keychains, bumper stickers, hats and T-shirts will be available in stores as early as next week. Advance orders are said to be in the low hundreds.

“We’ve got 233 advance orders for all different kinds of merchandise,” said Greenberg. “I know that’s not a lot, but it’s still early on in the process. Remember, the majority of the population doesn’t even know we’re here.”

Indeed, a recent poll conducted by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel indicated that 73 percent of the population has no idea their hometown has a professional baseball team. Among the 73 percent, 40 percent were born after the year 1985 and have no recollection of the Brewers, while the rest were convinced the team had been relocated or liquidated. The first challenge for the 2004 Brewers will be to raise awareness of their presence in the city of Milwaukee.

“It’s hard to believe nobody even knew about us,” said 2nd basemen Junior Spivey. “I mean, we have a big field right in the city, and the team has had some success in the past. Granted, it was the distant past, but still. Hopefully, this new campaign will wake people up and let them know they have a terrible, hopeless baseball team right in their backyard.”

The new publicity blitz is the latest attempt by the organization to raise their profile among the home fans. Other, more blatant attempts reeked of desperation and were received negatively by the locals. One such strategy involved placing several Brewers players in the middle of a busy intersection during rush hour. Seven players, bedecked in Milwaukee Brewers uniforms and hats, stood at the intersection of Oakland and North, waving banners and clogging traffic for miles. The scheme was abandoned when one player was hit by a school bus and another was beaten senseless in a case of road rage.

“Earlier this year, we did use some rather heavy handed tactics to build some buzz,” said Greenberg, who personally orchestrated the traffic stunt. “We figured the best way to get some attention is to walk right out into the middle of the street during rush hour. Thousands of eyes would look upon the players in a matter of moments. It’s a strategy known in the advertising world as ‘Desperate cry for attention.’ While we did raise some eyebrows and even got a small write-up in the paper, the injuries our players sustained were too great. Plus, people were getting very angry for some reason.”

After the traffic stunt fell apart, the front office attempted to have one of the players arrested in order to get a mention in the local paper. That plan also backfired, as intoxicated third basemen Wes Helms was arrested, but received no attention from the local media.

“For years people have been saying ‘The Brewers can’t even get arrested in this town.’ Well, we proved that wrong,” said Greenberg. “We sent a highly inebriated Wes Helms out driving around. We told him to speed, swerve, and maybe even hit someone. Unfortunately, Wes passed out, veered off the side of the road and hit a telephone pole. The cops came, woke him up, brought him downtown and booked him. He has a court date scheduled for next month. All this, and not one blurb in the Sentinel. How many goddamn Brett Favre articles can you write?”

Greenberg and co. briefly contemplated having rookie sensation Scott Podsednik commit a sex assault, but backed off after the player refused to participate.

“Scott is obviously not a team player,” said Greenberg. “We’ll remember that when it’s contract time. Not that he would re-sign with us anyway. What kind of player would want to get stuck in a goddamn black hole like Milwaukee? Coming here is like getting on the train to Auschwitz. I mean...it’s a great city and we hope to lure some potential free agents, as soon as we establish the fact that we still exist.”

Not all the players are as self-centered as Podsednik, however. Some members of the Brew Crew have taken their own initiative to spread awareness about the team’s existence. Leftfielder Geoff Jenkins has gone door to door through the city of Milwaukee and the suburbs of Greenfield and Shorewood, trying to recruit new Brewers fans. Ben Grieve, the team’s DH, attempted to reach out to the younger generation of fans who aren’t familiar with the Brewers rich history. Unfortunately, his offer to visit his son’s school was turned down by school officials.

“I offered my services on career day, but they said no,” said Grieve. “Can you believe that? It was career day, and they didn’t want a major league baseball player talking to them. According to my son, they had a plumber, a convenience store employee, an insurance claims adjuster, and a mortician. But they didn’t want me. They told me they weren’t really interested in some Triple A baseball team, and they accused me of being a liar when I said the Brewers were a certified Major league team.”

To assure there were no hard feelings, the Brewers donated dozens of shirts and hats to the school, all of which were promptly given to the homeless.