LONDON--British guy David Blake, 40, understands American football even less after attending Sunday’s Jets-Dolphins game at Wembley Stadium, Blake said.  The game, which the Jets won 27-14, took over three hours to play and featured numerous penalties, replays, and baffling play calls.

“What the hell was that?” Blake said after the game. “Was that a normal football game?  It just seemed like a bunch of people standing around, punctuated by occasional bursts of action followed by penalties or replays.  Why the hell do Americans have such a hard-on for this shit?It makes no sense whatsoever.”

Prior to Sunday’s game, Blake had limited exposure to American football and thought taking in a game in person would be an fun, educational experience. Instead, he left with more questions than answers.

“The Dolphins team – why did they never give the ball to that bloke who runs with it?” he asked. “And why, when they needed 10 or 12 yards to get the um…what do you call it….first down, did they throw the ball two feet? I don’t know anything about football, yet I can say unequivocally that the Dolphins play calling sucks.”

Blake was also confused by the Dolphins inability to tackle running back Chris Ivory.

“That Chris Ivory guy– why couldn’t they tackle him?” he asked. “They just kept launching themselves into him and bouncing off him. He must be the greatest player ever in history, right?”

Despite the hideousness of the Dolphins performance, they managed to get back into the game late in the second half, further confounding Mr. Blake.

 “All of a sudden the quarterback for the Dolphins  - Tennenbaum – he throws this beautiful pass in the end zone and all of a sudden it’s a close game again.  And then their defense finally starts tackling people, and the offense gets the ball back, and they keep throwing this one pass sideways to this guy who just gets tackled immediately.  And while we’re on the subject, why does every receiver, on both teams, start yelling at the referee every time he drops a pass? Did he get in their way or something?”

Blake wasn’t the only British fan who left the game confounded. Many patrons, on their way out of the stadium, expressed their befuddlement at America’s most popular pastime.

“What just happened?” said one fan with a glazed looked on his face. “It was just a bunch of people in helmets milling about. Then finally something exciting happens and it’s got to be reviewed by like this committee of people in New York. Why is this so popular in America? Haven’t they ever seen European football? Nothing happens in that game either, but at least the players get out of breath in the process.”

Despite the awfulness of the Jets-Dolphins game, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell calls the London experiment a success.

 “It’s been enormously successful,” Goodell said. “People in England are very enthusiastic about the NFL and we will continue to bring them games every year. Someday we may even have an NFL team here. Granted, it would be a logistical nightmare and cause all kinds of headaches but this is the NFL. We’d all saw off our own dicks to make a few extra dollars.”

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