SAN DIEGO--Hours after the stunning dismissal of Marty Schottenheimer, Chargers owner Dean Spanos found himself frantically checking the internet to see who will replace the deposed coach on the sidelines. After pouring through dozens of editorials, blogs, and message board postings, Spanos has determined that Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Ron Rivera, and Jim Caldwell are among the leading candidates.

“Well this certainly is exciting,” Spanos said on Tuesday. “The prospect of a Bill Parcells or a Pete Carroll coaching the Chargers would certainly bode well for our championship aspirations. Rivera is no slouch, either, and neither is Jim Caldwell I even read somewhere that Lovie Smith is a candidate, since the Bears are dragging their feet so much on his contract extension. God, that would be so awesome! Anyway, that's the latest, but I have to go check Deadspin again. I haven’t hit refresh in, like, ten minutes.”

Spanos also got some interesting news from fan message boards and chat rooms.

“There’s this one poster on this one message board named KW80 who has listed his possible candidates to replace Marty,” said Spanos. “Check this out: Norv Turner, Jim Mora, and Jeff Tedford. That’s his top three. Then there’s Ted Cottrell and…George Seifert? George Fucking Seifert? I would never hire that guy. Then again, it’s on a message board, so it’s got to have some truth behind it. Otherwise, why would the guy even bother writing it?”

Minutes after news broke of Schottenheimer’s dismissal, the internet was flooded with potential replacements. By noon on Tuesday, nearly every coach who had ever put on a pair of headphones was a candidate. Needless to say, the flood of information has Spanos and his GM, AJ Smith, a bit overwhelmed.

“I just heard somewhere that this guy named Gary Hubert was a candidate to replace Marty,” said Smith. “Apparently Hubert was a strength and conditioning coach for the Attleboro Kings, a semi-pro team I played with in the 70’s. I don’t even know the guy. I think that rumor is bunk. I also don’t agree with the rumor that Hank Stram would be a good fit. I mean, I respect the guy and everything he’s done for the game, but the cold hard fact is that he’s dead, and hiring a dead guy wouldn’t work because he wouldn’t be able to run practices. Plus, I probably wouldn’t get along with him, because I lack remedial social skills.”

One rumor that excited both Smith and Spanos described a secret pact they had with USC coach Pete Carroll to take over the team when Schottenheimer was fired. The pact has reportedly existed for months and will lead to the hiring of Carroll in the next few days.

“Pete Carroll would be the ideal coach for us, I think,” said Smith. “Hearing that rumor about our supposed pact with him really aroused my curiosity. Is there a pact? Is Dean not telling me something? Does the fact that USC assistant Steve Sarkisian turned down a job with the Raiders have something to do with all this? Are we willing to give Pete the full control he desires? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but fortunately, there’s this thing called ‘the internet’ that does. And the internet says…Yes! Pete Carroll is our next coach. Is it too early to call and welcome him aboard?”

Despite numerous reports to the contrary, Spanos insists there are no secret pacts, no conspiracies, and no concrete plan of attack moving forward.

“A lot of people think this is all part of some grand plan, but it’s really not,” he said. “We expected Marty to be our coach next year and now he’s gone. He was fired because he didn’t get along with A.J. and because he kind of sucks in playoff games. The only plan we really have, if you can call it that, is to interview as many people as possible and hire the best possible candidate. Who will that be? I don’t know, but I should have a better idea after I watch John Clayton and Sean Salisbury screaming about it tonight on Sportscenter.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.