WASHINGTON, DC-- In a rare example of bipartisanship, Democrats and Republicans in the Senate have united around a proposal to cock punch every person that appears in those FanDuel ads that have been tormenting the nation the past few months. The FanDuel Cock Punch Act of 2015 was unveiled by Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) and Sen. Mark Pryor (D-AR) and is backed by some of the most powerful and influential members of the Senate, as well as the Obama administration.
“I think it’s a great example of bipartisanship at work,” said Pryor. “Many Americans feel that congress can't work together, but this proves that when we find an area both sides feel passionate about, we can get things done. In this case, the burning desire to inflict violent punishment on the douche bags terrorizing our TV and computer screens every 10 seconds united us, and we were able to work together on what I believe is a landmark bill.”
The bill is a compromise. While many members of the Senate wanted to authorize the outright murder of the people appearing in FanDuel ads, more moderate voices prevailed.
"At first I wanted to kill every one of those people," said Sen. Portman. "Kill them and possibly fire their corpses into outer space. But then my colleagues convinced me that it would look bad to do such a thing to American citizens. So I'll have to settle for a good old fashioned cock punch which, if delivered hard enough, would prevent any of these idiots from being able to reproduce."
The exact details of the bill have not yet been finalized, but sources on capitol hill indicate it would involve locating each douche bag depicted on the FanDuel ads, kidnapping them, and having them repeatedly cock-punched, most likely by wounded veterans and other members of our armed forces.
“I thought that was a nice gesture,” said Senator John McCain (R-AZ). “These veterans have sacrificed a lot for this country, and if anyone is going to get a shot at these people, it should be them. And of course it will be broadcast all over the internet, so every American will be able to enjoy it. What I'm looking forward to most are the screams.”
The bill comes as disparate voices – from President Obama to Sen. Rand Paul – agree that the insufferable jerkoffs who brag about how much money they allegedly won in their bullshit fantasy leagues need to be bitch slapped with the whole country watching.
“These people, these incredibly irritating, infantile, man-children are a blight on our society,” Obama said during a speech at American University. “Instead of pouring their money into online gambling, perhaps they should – I don’t know – get a life? Go outside and get some sun? Grow the fuck up? And the women who are sitting next to them egging them on - shame on you. If Michelle caught me doing something like that she’d cut my dick off and mount it over the fireplace.”
The Senators who sponsored the bill are aware that FanDuel is not the only weekly fantasy sports site annoying the nation with its ubiquitous ads. There is also DraftKings, and Senator Portman said their day will come, too.
“Oh don’t think we’ve forgotten about DraftKings,” said Portman. “They’re on our radar, too. We just kind of overlooked them at first because of the 300 FanDuel ads on Monday Night Football last night. But if I was one of the douchey dude-bros in the DraftKings ads, I would grow eyes in the back of my head. Your day of reckoning is coming. No cock is safe from the far reaching justice of the United States.”
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