ATLANTA--The Atlanta Falcons have just completed construction on their new stadium, Mercedes-Benz Stadium, in downtown Atlanta. The state-of-the-art 1.4 billion dollar facility, scheduled to open in time for the 2017 NFL season, boasts an eight-panel retractable roof inspired by the Roman Pantheon, a wrap-around halo video board, an unobstructed view of the Atlanta skyline and many other luxuries. As of yesterday, it also boasts a splat of bird shit, which is why Falcons owner Arthur Blank is petitioning the city of Atlanta for a new stadium.
“It’s ruined,” Blank said. “Look. Look at this photo. It was taken from a helicopter flying above the stadium. You see that spot right there? What does that look like to you? Exactly. Bird shit. It’s ruined. It took fucking forever to build, too. Oh well. Not gonna dwell on it, just gonna move forward.”
Blank announced that the team would be petitioning for the stadium to be demolished and a new, shit-free stadium constructed in its place. 67,000 signatures are required to qualify an initiative for the upcoming general election ballot, so the Falcons will hold a rally on Sunday to win support from the public.
Blank said it was “regrettable” that such a beautiful, expensive stadium had to be demolished, but insisted there was no other way.
“I hate to have to do this, but there are simply no other options,” Blank said. “You know how when you buy something new, you’re like, wicked OCD about getting even the slightest blemish on it? Well I can’t even look at this thing anymore. We need a new facility, and we need it now. The good news is we already have the blueprint, the construction company, and the site lined up. We just need another 1.4 billion dollars.”
As an added benefit, Blank said, the destruction of the current stadium will create scores of construction jobs.
“Not only are we going to create jobs constructing the replacement stadium, but we’re going to need people to destroy the current one. You know, like we need that guy who will push the handle down on the dynamite, and another few guys to rig the explosives and then, uh, a team of people to carry away the debris. And then probably somebody to sweep up the broken glass and shit. So this could be a boon to the economy.”
If the new stadium can’t be built, Blank said, the team may have no choice but to relocate.
“I love Atlanta and want nothing more than for the Falcons to stay here, but we simply cannot compete in the current landscape of the NFL with a stadium that has crap on the roof. We’re going to make every effort to get this deal done but if we don’t, we could be looking at other sites. For instance, Charleston, South Carolina is probably retarded enough to give us a couple billion to build a stadium. It’s not like they’ve had anything else going on since the Civil War ended.”
Despite Blank’s commitment to getting the job done, there are signs he could face some resistance from city and state officials, especially since taxpayers have already contributed hundreds of millions of dollars to the original project.
“At this point I don’t think it would be advisable to construct another stadium,” said Ruby Marcela of the Fulton County Taxpayers Association. “Mercedes-Benz Stadium was an extremely expensive and lengthy project and I don’t think the public has the will to go through all that again. The Falcons would be smart to stick with the monstrosity they already have and wait for it to become obsolete in three years before asking for a new one.”
Some have wondered why the team doesn’t just pay to have the offending bird shit removed.
“Bird shit stains,” Blank explained. “You can’t ever really remove it. Plus other birds are going to shit on it eventually. It's a design flaw and another reason the stadium must be demolished.”
Blank has proposed that the new stadium have some kind of satellite-based laser defense system that would incinerate any bird that comes within range of the roof. The estimated cost of such a system would run into the hundreds of millions of dollars but, according to Blank, would pay for itself in the number of jobs it creates in the laser-based bird defense system industry.
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