Hawks Disturbed By Joe Johnson’s Desire To Play For Them

ATLANTA--Members of the Atlanta Hawks ownership group, as well as GM Billy Knight and several Hawks players, confessed to being slightly disturbed by Joe Johnson’s enthusiastic desire to play for them.

“We’re horrible,” said GM Billy Knight. “I mean really, really horrible. We’re the laughingstock of the league and we have been for quite some time. That makes me wonder: Why exactly would a kid with so much going for him in Phoenix want to leave it all behind and come play here? Sure, we’re offering him a lot of money, but that wasn’t even the deciding factor. He wanted to come here. He’s looking forward to it. That’s what scares me about this guy.”

When Johnson stated that he wanted to play for the Hawks, Knight and the team’s ownership were pleasantly surprised. They offered a package of draft picks to Phoenix, and completed a sign-and-trade that would pay Johnson $70 million over 5 years. Now the team is wondering if they are wasting that money on a crazy person.

“At first we were really excited about this, but now I’m not so sure,” said Michael Gearon, a member of the ownership group. “Just think about it. The Hawks? Why? We’re a joke. We’re not going anywhere, with or without Joe Johnson. This kid is either nuts or he’s not too familiar with our lineup. I wonder if it’s too late to send him back to Phoenix. I have no interest in signing some freaky nut job who would want to play for my team.”

The Hawks won just 13 games last year and haven’t been to the playoffs since 1999. They have one of the youngest starting lineups in the league, and their head coach is someone named Mike Woodson. The Suns, on the other hand, went to the conference finals last year and boast one of the most talented rosters in the league. Why Johnson would choose to leave Phoenix for Atlanta is a mystery, and a deeply disturbing one at that.

“Maybe he killed somebody in Phoenix and just wants to get away,” said Knight. “Maybe there’s a dead body somewhere and Joe Johnson is responsible. He could be some kind of crazed serial killer that meets people, gets to know them, and then chops them up into little pieces, only to move on to a different state where he can start over again. That’s pretty bad, but not as bad as wanting to play for the Atlanta Hawks. Frankly, I’d feel better if he was a serial killer.”

It’s not just upper management that’s puzzled by Johnson’s decision. Players are having difficulty coming to grips with it, too. It seems most of the players on the roster want to get out as badly as Johnson wants to get in.

“What’s wrong with that guy? Why would he choose to come here?” asked point guard Tyronn Lue, who was traded to the team last season. “Nobody comes to the Hawks by choice. You come because you get traded or nobody else will sign you. Doesn’t he realize what he’s getting into? Shit, I’ve been trying to get out of here ever since they traded me. I even tried tunneling out of the locker room at one point, but I accidentally tunneled into coach’s office by accident. You should’ve seen the look on his face. I played it off pretty good, though. I just told him I was looking for the men’s room.”

Boris Diaw, who was included in the trade that brought Johnson to Atlanta, said he was “blown away” by Johnson’s unyielding desire to be a Hawk.

“I just don’t get it. He must be some kind of pervert or something,” said Diaw. “I’m glad I won’t be playing with him. My years in Atlanta were like playing in the developmental league. Nobody ever showed up for the games, nobody cared, and no matter how hard we tried we just couldn’t beat anybody. I can’t tell you how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep. Sleep was my only escape, but for the sweet, sweet caress of death. On the upside, they have some great restaurants.”