ISIS Claims Responsibility For Jets Quarterback Situation

In a post to an extremist website today, the Islamic State claimed responsibility for the horrific and gruesome New York Jets quarterback situation. The terror group alleged that two of its soldiers were able to infiltrate the beleaguered team and pull off the shocking atrocity.

“Two soldiers of the caliphate were able to penetrate the defenses of the New York Jets organization and sabotage their quarterback situation,” the post began. “As a result of this operation, the new York Jets will go into the 2017 season with Josh McCown, Christian Hackenberg, and Bryce Petty as their quarterbacks. A more laughable trio cannot be imagined. Praise be to Allah.”

The spokesman offered scant details about how the plot was executed, but did blame the U.S.’s involvement in Syria and Iraq for the grotesque attack.

“This operation is revenge for America’s brutal crimes in Syria and Iraq. As punishment for their sins they will have to watch these three dipshits compete with each other for the job of starting quarterback on the worst team in the world. Oh, you brave children of the caliphate, take the under whenever the Jets play.”

It’s often difficult to assess the validity of ISIS’s claims, but SITE, an organization that monitors terrorist communications online, believes the posting to be authentic.

“The message does seem valid,” said Rona Kimura, a translator who works for SITE. “It was posted on a website that is commonly used by terror groups, and the timing and wording of it are consistent with previous claims of responsibility. It’s also consistent with recent chatter we’ve been hearing that a devastating and horrific attack was imminent.”

The FBI was quick to point out that it had not yet verified the claims and warned about jumping to conclusions since ISIS often claims responsibility for atrocities for which they were not involved. A source did say, however, that the attack had all the hallmarks of ISIS in that it was “shockingly vicious and merciless” and was targeted at “society’s most vulnerable and defenseless.”

President Trump wasted no time in tweeting about the alleged attack. “Terrorists LOSERS have struck again! To the New York Jets I am with you in this time of horrific suffering. God bless!”

In New York, however, team officials downplayed reports that ISIS was responsible for their quarterback situation.

“I’m not aware of any kind of terrorist activity in our organization,” said GM Mike Maccagnan. “Our QB situation is the way it is by design. I know it’s not the flashiest group of guys, or the most talented, or competent, or useful, but in, say, Josh McCown we’ve got a guy who has experience doing…quarterback-y types of things, like pointing to linebackers before the snap and, um, reading the plays off his wristband and..um…shouting encouragement to his teammates on the sidelines. So it's obviously his job to lose.”