Knicks GM Can’t Understand Why His Shitty Team Isn’t Winning

NEW YORK--Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas is at a loss. The shitty team that he assembled in the offseason lost its home opener by 34 points, leaving them 0-2 to start the season. Their starting center, Nazr Mohammed, is starting to look like a bust and the team's defense has been nonexistent. From the looks of it, this lousy Knicks team is on its way to a lousy season.

“It’s early in the season so I’m not going to worry about it too much,” said Thomas, whose team was picked to win the Atlantic Division this year. “But it is a little vexing. How can a team stocked with so many mediocre, overpaid players perform so badly? That game against the Celtics was an embarrassment. We looked like a team that just isn’t very good. I guess I should’ve expected this last year while I was handing out contracts randomly to tall black men.”

Thomas’s biggest offseason acquisition was point guard Jamal Crawford, who he signed to a mammoth 7-year, $56 million deal, despite the fact that Crawford is regarded as a selfish, one-dimensional player. The contract put the Knicks in salary cap trouble once again, even though Thomas was hired to alleviate some of those problems.

“When I came here the team was pretty crippled financially,” said Thomas. “The first thing they told me was to get them out of the salary cap mess they were in. Well, now we’re in pretty much the same boat, except we have Jamal, Stephon [Marbury], and--ahem--Vin Baker. Ouch. It hurts just to say that.”

The coach of the Knicks is Lenny Wilkens. Wilkens is a coaching veteran who boasts the most career wins and most career losses of any coach in NBA history. He has a reputation for being an affable man who does not pay attention to detail and has little regard for defense. So naturally, Thomas hired him immediately.

“Lenny Wilkens just isn’t a very good coach,” said Thomas. “He’s soft on the players, pays no attention whatsoever to defense, and is pretty much washed up. Of course I hired him because I was in the process of putting together a really lousy team and he seemed like a good fit. But now I’m starting wonder: Is this shitty coach and this shitty team capable of winning the division?”

Most would point to the fact that the Knicks were favored to win the division as evidence of their talent and depth. However, they were chosen by default since the rest of the Atlantic is comprised of weak teams in the middle of the rebuilding process. The reality is that the Knicks are just as weak, and they’re also strapped for cash.

“The Knicks are in terrible shape financially,” said NBA analyst Marty Burns. “Isiah has done a horrible job managing the salary cap. In fact, he has paid no attention to it at all. [Former GM] Scott Layden was ridiculed mercilessly for his spending habits, but Thomas has picked up right where he left off. They’re going to be strapped for years to come, which means they’re stuck with this lineup for the long term. How long before we start hearing the ‘Bring back Scott Layden' chants?’ I say midseason.”

Even some of the players that Thomas signed this past year are surprised at the moves he’s made. Crawford, who hit the jackpot, is still shaking his head over the $56 million dollar deal he received.

“I am so not worth it. I am totally not worth it,” said Crawford. “Just look at my history. Have I ever won anything meaningful? Granted I was on a lousy team, but did I do anything to make my teammates better? No, I didn’t do shit. But Isiah saw something in me. Boy, did he. He pursued and pursued and pursued, and then finally my agent and I threw this ridiculous figure at him, and he agreed to it! Talk about hitting the lottery. I hope he’s not surprised that this team is so shitty. He is? Wow, he must be retarded.”

If the team continues to play badly, Thomas may be forced to make the most drastic change of all: Stepping in to replace Lenny Wilkens as head coach. Rumors are already swirling that Thomas is going to do just that, which doesn’t bode well for the Knicks faithful. Thomas had some success coaching the Indiana Pacers in 2003, but his team fell to pieces in the first round of the playoffs.

“If I have to come in and coach, I’ll do it,” said Thomas. “Lenny is a great coach and all, but if he’s not getting the job done, I’m willing to let him go and step in. I didn’t assemble this mediocre bunch of me-first players so I could watch them sink to the bottom of the standings. I brought them here to win the division. I brought them here to return the New York Knicks to their glory days. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m in the wrong line of work.”