Lebron James Scores Fake ID To Go Out Drinking

CLEVELAND, OH--20-year-old NBA player Lebron James finally scored a fake ID after months of trying, sources reported Tuesday. The Cleveland guard has been searching for a decent one and finally got it from a friend of a friend who has this really great software. James plans to use the ID to purchase alcohol until his 21st birthday in December.

The ID, which uses the name “Julius Thurbur,” says that James is 32-year-old.

“Yes! It’s about time. I didn’t think I’d ever get one of these things,” James told reporters after practice Saturday. “Check it out. Doesn’t this guy look exactly like me? ‘Julius Thurber.’ Do I look like a Julius? I hope so, because next time I go out I am Mr. Julius Thurber of Dalton, Mass. Now I can finally go party with Carmelo, a.k.a. ‘Lance McPhadden.’”

James thanked the person who made the ID for him, even though he didn’t know his name.

“My friend ‘Toine from Akron got it for me. He had it made by some dude at Ohio State,” said James. “I don’t know who this guy is, but apparently he has this software that can duplicate ID’s to the letter, right down to the hologram. He makes them right in his dorm room. The guy only charged me fifty bucks, too. So, whoever you are, thank you. I’ll be thinking of you when I have my first Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”

James plans to go out with his teammates next week when the team makes a road trip to Boston.

“That’s going to be a great night. After our game, we’ll be able to go out in beantown,” said James. “I hear there’s some great bars around the Garden. Imagine that, me, Lebron James, being able to go out to any bar I want, walk right up to the door, and not be turned away by the bouncers. It’s going to be a blast. I know some people are concerned that the constant drinking will effect my play. But I’m not worried. I heard Bob Cousy played the entire ’58 season strung out on Quaaludes.”

For the past few months, James has put on the full court press to attain a passable fake ID. His first two tries didn’t work, mostly because the handiwork was so shoddy.

“I got one from this fan in Miami, but it totally sucked,” said James. “It was just a piece of cardboard. It got confiscated the second I walked up to the bouncer. Then I got this other one that was pretty good except it had a picture of a white guy on it that was like, 62-years-old. I thought it looked a lot like our old owner, Gordon Gund. Turned out it was him. Oops. I had to bring it back to his office and put it on his desk. Thank God he’s blind.”

Now that he’s “21” James’ teammates plan to show him a good time. They may even take him to a strip club where he can see his first naked woman.

“Oh, we’re gonna make a man out of little ‘Bron ‘Bron,” said teammate Drew Gooden. “We’re going to show him what it’s like to party with the big boys. I can just imagine his face when he gets his first glimpse of a pair of titties. He won’t even know what to do with them. Fortunately we’re NBA players and can help him. You just keep grabbing them, even if she tells you not to.”

Before going out clubbing with the guys, James enjoyed the simple act of walking into a package store and purchasing some beer. Afterward, James said he felt “empowered.”

“Now that was a great feeling. I felt so powerful, so mature, like a real grownup,” he said. “Usually when I walk into that place I get a dirty look from the cashier, but this time the joke was on them. I had an ID! I walked up to the counter with a sixer of Coors Lite and before the guy even asked me, I was like ‘Oh. You might be needing this.’ He snatched it out of my hand and studied it for, like, 2 or 3 minutes. He had no clue, the dumb bastard. He handed me the beer and said ‘Thank you very much, Mr. Thurber.’ Then I jumped over the counter, grabbed him by the collar and screamed ‘What are you, stupid? I’m Lebron James, NBA superstar, asshole!’ Man, I really have to learn to keep my ego in check.”