Mike Krzyzewski Gets Restraining Order Against Dick Vitale

DURHAM, NC--Citing “a pattern of disturbing and erratic behavior,” Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski took out a restraining order against college basketball guru Dick Vitale. Vitale is a huge admirer of Coach K and the Duke program, but lately that admiration has turned into obsession. Sources reported that the affable hoops analyst was found crouching in Krzyzewski’s shrubs last Friday night, trying to catch a glimpse of the legendary coach as he watched television.

Coach K refused to criticize Vitale and instead offered support to his troubled friend.

“Dick is a good friend of mine. He’s just going through a tough time right now,” said Krzyzewski. “I just want him to know that I am here for him and my prayers are with him. He obviously really likes Duke, which is great, but it’s starting to get a little creepy. There are other teams in the country, too. How about those Tar Heels? I hear Roy Williams is a fun guy to hang out with.”

Vitale, who was arrested and charged with misdemeanor trespassing, will appear in court on February 7. Sgt. Lance McCulloughs, the arresting officer, said that Vitale was “raving like a lunatic” on the way to the station.

“Mr. Vitale was in a state of delirium when we picked him up,” McCulloughs said. “More than anything else, he seemed obsessed with the Duke University basketball program. He kept yelling about how awesome they are and how awesome Coach K is and how awesome J.J. Redick is and on and on and on. Then when we got to the police station, he was going to use his one phone call to call Krzyzewski, the man who just had him arrested. If I was Coach K, I wouldn’t stop at a restraining order. I’d get myself a shotgun.”

While Vitale is not considered dangerous, it is widely believed that he suffers from an emotional disorder, which manifests itself in his constant screaming, shaking, and sweating. Lately, though, Vitale’s condition has worsened, and his twisted obsession with Duke basketball has grown. Sunday’s convincing defeat over Virginia Tech was the game that pushed him over the top. After it was over, Vitale was seen in a Durham, NC restaurant yelling to anyone within earshot about the awesomeness of the Blue Devils.

“OH MY! DID YOU SEE DUKE TONIGHT, BABY? THEY ABSOLUTELY DOMINATED V-TECH!” Vitale shouted to a visibly frightened woman sitting at the bar. “SHELDEN WILLIAMS, BABY! HE’S A PTP! A PTP! A PRIME TIME PLAYER, BABY! AND COACH K, WHAT A MASTERFUL PERFORMANCE! AND REDDICK, TOO, AND EWING! OH MY GOD, OH MY…God. I...I’m starting to feel faint. I’m dizzy. Help me.”

At that point Vitale fell to the ground unconscious. He was taken to Durham Regional Hospital for observation where he reportedly berated a nurse who was trying to take his blood pressure.

“Mr. Vitale was extremely rude and belligerent while one of our nurses attempted to take his blood pressure,” said hospital spokesman Daniel Medeski. “He called her some pretty choice names and for a while refused to let anyone take his blood pressure other than Mike Krzyzewski. We tried to tell him that Coach K is not qualified to do such a thing, but he insisted that the coach ‘could do anything he wanted,’ and was more qualified than ‘some fat nurse with a GED.’ He finally gave in after we subdued him with a tranquilizer dart. Needless to say, he’s a really big fan.”

Dr. Sanjay Mehta, who examined Vitale, gave him a clean bill of health, but also offered some words of caution.

“Mr. Vitale does not have any physical health problems that we can see, but that does not mean he is well,” said Mehta. “He must relax and get more rest, and stop watching Duke University basketball games. I am afraid for his well being if the Blue Devils win it all this year. His big bald head might just explode, spraying brain matter all over the Cameron Crazies.”

Now that the restraining order is in effect, Coach K and his family can rest easy. Vitale is forbidden from coming within 100 yards of Krzyzewski or even calling him on the phone. Rumors are circulating that Vitale may take a leave of absence from his job, something Krzyzewski highly recommends.

“I think it’ll be a great thing for Dickie to take a break,” he said. “Everyone needs a break sometimes. He just happens to be a high-strung guy and a huge, huge fan of Duke basketball. I appreciate his support, but he just needs to realize there are other things in life besides the Blue Devils. There are other teams, other programs, other coaches, other PTP’ers—there’s a whole world out there that exists outside the confines of Duke University. I’m sure if just he realizes this, and broadens his horizons a little, then I won’t have to enter the witness protection program.”