MLB Owners Agree To Eliminate Steroids From Post-Game Buffet

ANAHEIM, CA--In response to the recent revelations regarding steroid use in major league baseball, team officials have voted to eliminate steroids from post-game buffets. The move is intended to placate the critics and fans that say that league isn’t doing enough to stop the use of illegal supplements.

“Starting in 2005, all post-game buffets will contain food only,” said commissioner Bud Selig, who pressured the owners into taking action. “All steroids, supplements, performance enhancers, amphetamines, and narcotics will be eliminated. I think this shows a real commitment on the part of the league and the owners to rid our game of steroids. Players will no longer be able to load up on these drugs right under our noses. Instead, they’ll have to do it in private, like real junkies.”

Owners have been roundly criticized in the past for allowing players such easy access to steroids. When the BALCO story first broke, there were many in the game who called for changes in the post-game buffet items. The owners were slow to respond, until now.

“We were just going to wait until somebody died from it,” said Twins owner Carl Pohlad. “We figured at that point it would be appropriate to try and stop players from taking steroids. But then this whole Giambi thing happened, and then this whole Bonds thing, and we read the writing on the wall. So our hand was forced and, unfortunately, we had to make a move before somebody died. I know, I know. It’s like living in a goddamn police state, but what can you do?”

Now that the decision has been made, the owners will have to contend with the union. Union head Donald Fehr lobbied hard to have steroids included in the post-game buffet in 1994 and he isn’t likely to give in just yet, especially since the union made so many concessions in the recent collective bargaining agreement.

“The union is going to have a field day with this one,” said one AL owner. “Free and open access to performance enhancing drugs has been a staple of the CBM for years. To pull the rug out from under them right now is only going to cause friction, and that’s the last thing we need right now. We need to pull together and realize that our game is in trouble, and the only way out of it is to pretend we’re doing something about it.”

Gene Orza, the union’s No. 2 official, has already issued a statement lambasting the owners for jumping the gun.

“In trying to solve the steroid crisis, it’s important for us to understand what we mean by ‘solve,’ and ‘steroid,’ and ‘crisis,’” Orza said. “I know we’re trying to eliminate the problem, but do we really want to eliminate the drugs themselves? That’s just a knee-jerk reaction. Without performance enhancers, our sluggers wouldn’t have gigantic freak heads and tiny testicles, and they wouldn’t face a lifetime of complications and side effects after they retire. Wow, this statement sounded a lot better in my head.”

Of even more concern to the owners is how the players themselves will react. It’s long been a tradition for players to load up on THG after games in order to heal their aching muscles. For many players, steroids have been as much a part of the post-game buffet as chicken and vegetables. Removing them is expected to ruffle some feathers, including those of the Yankees’ Gary Sheffield.

“That’s wrong, man. That’s just wrong,” Sheffield told the Miami Herald yesterday. “First they force this invasive steroid testing on us, and now they’re taking away our steroids. This is America. Where are our rights? The post-game buffet won’t be the same without all those drugs. Now I’m going to have to find something else to put on my mashed potatoes.”

Not all players would protest the move, however. There has been a growing number of players in the past few years that have called for stronger testing and the abolition of steroids from the game. That vocal minority supports the owners’ decision to modify the post-game meal.

The Mets’ Tom Glavine, one of the most outspoken critics of performance enhancing drugs, said the new measures should have a positive effect on the game.

“I think that’s a really good first step,” he said, “especially when you consider that the drugs are illegal anyway and that we’re trying to eradicate them from professional sports. However, I know it’s going to be hard for a lot of guys to survive without them. It’s one thing to do steroid ‘testing’—wink wink--but to actually, physically take the steroids away from the players is a pretty bold move. It’s like taking candy from a baby, only the baby is a surly, musclebound behemoth, and the candy is Tetrahydrogestinone.”