NFL Experts Predict They’ll Be Wrong About Everything

TAMPA, FL--NFL pundits from around the nation predicted today that they’d be wrong about everything this year. The bold prediction comes after weeks of prognostication about the upcoming season. Though experts have pored through an avalanche of statistics, strategies, and player profiles, they admitted that there’s little they can do to predict what will occur during the 2005 campaign.

“The trendy pick this year is that we’re all going to be wrong about everything,” said Peter King, Sports Illustrated senior football writer. “We’ve all been pretty shaky the last few seasons, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. All this research and prognosticating is a big waste of time. We don’t know shit.”

King laughed heartily when he stopped to consider the amount of money, effort and time spent on picking which teams will win each week and which players will have the most impact.

“Ha ha ha. Holy shit, can you imagine how much goes into making all these predictions?” King asked. “And it all adds up to nothing. We’re no better at picking winners than your average guy playing a football pool. All these resources at our hands and we still can’t figure anything out. I can tell you, however, about my daughter’s field hockey team. Would you like to hear about my daughter’s field hockey team? I didn’t think so.”

This refreshingly honest approach to making football picks is catching on. Several analysts have admitted to having no clue, including ESPN’s Ron Jaworski.

“I think that the Cleveland defense is going to step up against the Giants today,” said Jaworski on Sunday NFL Countdown. “And here’s why. Last week the Browns cornerbacks were all over Vinny Testaverde, intercepting him three times. If you roll the tape, you can see how the defensive line pressures Testaverde and forces him into bad decisions. In this play, the Browns are in a Cover-2 and Dallas is in a 5-wide set. Testaverde drops back to pass. He’s going to be looking for Terry Glenn, but when the pocket collapses, he tosses a floater into the waiting arms of Robert Griffith. Expect more of the same on Sunday, with the Giants weak offensive line and an aging Kurt Warner. Also, I have no idea what going to happen, people. None, whatsoever. You just wasted thirty seconds of your life listening to that.”

Hank Goldberg, who performs extensive research on NFL teams each week, makes his picks during Sportscenter. This week he had a lot to say about the Detroit Lions.

“The Philadelphia Eagles have a tough task awaiting them in the Detroit Lions,” said Goldberg. “The Lions are a solid young team that isn’t afraid to run the ball. Look for Kevin Jones to have a big day against the Eagles defense and for the Lions to register the year’s first big upset, 24-17. Or 31-17. Or 24-20. What the fuck do I know, really? There are so many different factors to consider, picking the games is completely pointless. That’s why it’s on ESPN. If something is pointless, that’s where you’ll find it.”

Many so-called experts have picked the Jacksonville Jaguars as this year’s surprise team. Others have chosen the Philadelphia Eagles. But the sexy pick does appear to be that nobody will be right about anything.

“Your guess is as good as mine what’s going to happen,” said Paul Zimmerman, a.k.a. Dr. Z, a popular football forecaster for Sports Illustrated. “As usual, I’ll throw my little picks out there and have all kinds of evidence to back them up. Oh, I do lots of research and even make a lot of great observations about the league but in the end, I’m just guessing like everyone else. Hell I don’t even know that much about wine. I’m making all that shit up.”

Zimmerman is also one of the dozens of writers that assemble weekly “power rankings” in which they list the teams in order from best to worst, according to their own assessments. For some reason, power rankings have become extremely popular and a regular feature of nearly every sportswriter in the nation.

“People love to rank things. That’s a big part of it,” Zimmerman said. “People need to categorize things. They need to list things. It gives everything an air of importance and allows us to feel like we’re making some sense out of this random, chaotic world. So I toss out my power rankings every week and people devour them. Sometimes I have a hard time deciding where to put each team. Do I list the Colts over the Eagles? The Rams over the Falcons? Who the hell knows? So I just take the teams who won on Sunday, and list them higher than the ones that lost. It’s a pretty simple formula, though nobody seems to have caught on yet.”

Despite the recent admission of complete ignorance, forecasting NFL games is expected to continue unabated. In fact, with the emergence of the NFL Network, the ranks of professional soothsayers are about to grow considerably. The network will employ dozens of analysts, former players, and journalists to dissect every tiny detail about each week’s games. The amount of airtime dedicated to the NFL will dwarf that spent on the upcoming presidential election, even though the fate of the free world is hanging in the balance.