NASHVILLE, TN--Last week’s hiring of Norm Chow by the Tennessee Titans represents a landmark victory for Asian or Hawaiians or whatever Chow actually is. Few minority groups have publicly praised the hiring, but one thing is for sure: It’s a victory for someone Asian-ish.

“This is another example of the NFL’s commitment to diversity,” commissioner Paul Tagliabue said in a statement released yesterday. “Asians, Hawaiians, or possibly even Samoans have reason to celebrate today. Norm Chow is going to represent one or more of those groups as an assistant coach in the NFL. Someday maybe he will be a head coach, and then we’re really going to have to figure out what he guy is.”

Titans head coach Jeff Fisher said the team was happy to have Chow on board, regardless of his race, color, or creed.

“I’m extremely excited about this hiring,” Fisher told reporters. “Norm has been on our radar for some time now. His innovative play calling and keen eye for detail are qualities that have been missing from our offense the past few seasons. And of course, we here at the Titans are always proud to promote diversity, whether you’re talking about African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Hawaiians, Koreans—no, wait, Koreans are Asian, too—Indians, Arabs, or um…I don’t know…Canadians. It’s just really good to have different nationalities in the league for some reason.”

Chow was offensive coordinator for the national champion USC Trojans before his hiring last week. For years, he was considered one of the brightest offensive minds in college football, but never received an offer from the NFL. Many people believed that Chow’s race was a factor.

Said one AFC general manager: “I think, for some people, there is a perception that Asians are not adept at coaching football on the professional level. But what if Chow isn’t even Asian? From the looks of him, he could be any number of races. I’m not sure if there is a negative perception of Hawaiians. How about Samoans? Who knows? This is all too confusing for me. Back in my day, everybody was white and race wasn’t even an issue—except for the Irish, those potato-eating savages.”

During his stint at USC, Chow earned the respect of head coach Pete Carroll, who credited his assistant with much of the team’s success. Chow helped mold quarterbacks Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart into Heisman trophy winners, and turned the Trojans into one of the most feared offensive teams in the nation. When told of the Chow hiring, Leinart had nothing but praise for his mentor.

“Norm is a great coach. Here’s a guy who really deserves a chance in the NFL,” Leinart said. “Anytime I had a question or was confused I could go to coach Chow and he always knew the answer. What a mind that guy has. And now he’s breaking racial barriers, too. This is a big step for one or more unspecified non-Caucasian ethnic groups.”

After the hiring, an Asian American civil rights group offered lukewarm praise for the Titans, but stopped short of declaring it a milestone for Asian Americans.

“It’s good that the Titans hired somebody who is neither African American nor Caucasian,” said Robert Ling, director of the Asian American Alliance. “Clearly, Mr. Chow is a deserving candidate and a talented coach. I guess if someone can just call the guy and ask what his actual ethnicity is, we can decide whether or not to chalk it up as a big milestone for our community or for someone else’s. My guess is that he is a mixture of several different Asian-centric ethnicities, which means we all lose.”

Now that Chow has been hired, will it open the door to other Asian-ish head coaches? Probably not, since there aren’t many candidates on the horizon. But Chow isn’t interested in breaking down barriers. He just wants to coach football.

Copyright 2003, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.