SOUTH BEND, IN--Notre Dame officials rushed to do damage control yesterday when Floyd Smith, director of the Shitty Coaches Association, publicly accused the school of being prejudiced against shitty coaches. The accusation was in reference to the firing of Ty Willingham, who was let go after leading the team to a mediocre 6-5 record. Athletic Director Kevin White dismissed the claims, saying he was operating solely in the best interest of the team.

“Mr. Smith’s accusations are reckless, hurtful, and false,” said White, speaking to reporters outside his office. “Notre Dame has a track record of tolerance and open-mindedness. We are not prejudiced against shitty coaches. We would just prefer to have a decent coach that can actually win. But we’re anything but exclusionary. We believe shitty coaches have a place in this game, too--preferably on other teams.”

White also pointed out that the administration was very patient with Willingham even though the team was showing no signs of improvement.

“People say we jumped the gun just because Ty is so shitty, but that’s hardly the case,” said White. “We knew he was shitty about halfway through the second year of his tenure here, but we stuck it out in the interest of maintaining the school’s track record of patience and persistence. Unfortunately we couldn’t wait any longer. But I can tell you that we’re probably going to hire another shitty coach to replace him.”

Notre Dame wasn’t the only target of Smith’s wrath. He pointed out an “ongoing and systematic pattern” of NCAA football programs jettisoning coaches that were utter failures. He also said that not enough is being done to place shitty coaches in Division I head coaching positions.

“Every year we see a few more terrible coaches being fired,” said Smith. “It’s an ongoing problem. Sure, every so often a team will fire a good coach like Frank Solich, but that’s an anomaly. By and large, it’s the shitty ones that are objects of bigotry and prejudice. It’s a real shame that in the year 2004 there are only a handful of really dreadful, dismal head coaches at Division I programs. The firing of Willingham is proof of that. Certain schools just don’t want a shitty coach to lead their team.”

Notre Dame has a horrible record in dealing with shitty coaches, Smith said. He cited past coaches that had been fired by the school and pointed out that they were all, in fact, really really bad.

“Gerry Faust, Bob Davie—these guys are among the worst coaches the school ever had, yet neither of them lasted more than five years,” said Smith. “I think we’re starting to see a pattern here. The good old boys in the booster club wouldn’t accept someone incompetent coaching their team. No way. Couldn’t handle it. Sometimes I think we’ve come a long way in terms of diversity but clearly the discrepancy between shitty coaches and good ones is a wide as ever.”

Following Smith’s criticism, several prominent NCAA coaches offered their own opinions. The consensus was that Notre Dame had acted in haste to fire Willingham, though there was some debate about the motives. Some claimed prejudice on the part of the school, while others claimed that they were just giving in to the demands of the fans and boosters.

“I don’t think you can say that they are prejudiced against anybody,” said Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops. “I think they fired Willingham because the guy they really wanted, Urban Meyer, was available. They panicked a little. That being said, there are not nearly enough crappy coaches in this league. It’s a real embarrassment, especially when you consider the number of crappy players.”

Nebraska’s Bill Callahan, also a member of the Shitty Coaches Association, called the move “deplorable.”

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