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Eli Manning To Retire Now While Everybody Still Loves Him

NEW YORK--Giants QB Eli Manning, who led his team to a thrilling Super Bow victory last year, announced plans to retire now while everybody still loves him. In a press conference, Manning expressed his desire to be remembered as a Super Bowl hero rather than “push his luck” by playing in the 2008 season. “I don’t think it would be wise for me to attempt to return this season and continue my playing career,” Full Article

Mixed Martial Arts Wins ESPY For Grossest Sport

LOS ANGELES--The sport of Mixed Martial Arts was in the national spotlight on Sunday night as it was awarded its first ESPY in the category of Grossest Sport. MMA beat out Competitive Eating, Mud Wrestling and Women’s MMA to claim the prize. On the podium, Dana White, President of the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) accepted the award with muted enthusiasm. “This is…well, this is a bittersweet...Full Article


	Nobody In Entourage Wants To Attend Summer League Game
	LAS VEGAS--Memphis rookie O.J. Mayo is finding life in the NBA’s Summer League a little less glamorous than high school and college. Normally surrounded by a large entourage of friends, family, and management, Mayo has travelled back and forth to Summer League games alone, since nobody is interested in attending the meaningless exhibitions. “Geez I wish my posse would show a little bit more loyalty,” said Mayo, as he packed his clothes into a duffle bag following his final Summer League game. “They usually hang all over me, but for Summer League, nobody’s even returning my calls. Duane, Big Poppy, Double E, T-Bone, Ross – they’re all no-shows. I guess Summer League hoops is when you find out who your real friends are. Apparently I don’t have any.”

	Experts: Global Warming May Eliminate Rainouts By 2050
	WASHINGTON, DC--Global warming alarmists received another rebuke today when a NASA scientist predicted the warming of the earth could have positive implications, such as the elimination of rainouts from Major League Baseball games. “It’s possible that by around 2050, the idea of a ‘rainout’ will be a foreign concept,” said Dr. Kenneth Winslen, an atmospheric scientist and long time baseball fan. “That’s good news for baseball fans and good news for all Americans. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought tickets to a game and had to leave because of rain. It’s irritating. In just a few decades, when the earth is a dry, barren, sweltering desert, rain delays and rainouts could be a thing of the past. Yea! Bye bye domed stadiums. Hello, beautiful outdoor parks. And giant poisonous mosquitoes.”

Manny Shoves Traveling Secretary Again For Getting Him Fined
BOSTON--Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez is in hot water once again after shoving traveling secretary Jack McCormick to the ground following Sunday’s game against the Anaheim Angels. According to sources, Ramirez was angry at McCormick for getting him fined by falling down after the first shove. Full Article

Falcons Coach Declares Open Competition For Every Position On Team
ATLANTA--Atlanta Falcons head coach Mike Smith raised eyebrows today when he declared an open competition for every single position on the team. The rookie head coach, whose team had a 4-12 record last season, believes that nobody on the roster is currently good enough to consider a lock for a starting position. Full Article

Blue Jays Consider Getting Into Basketball
TORONTO--The Toronto Blue Jays, owners of a 48-50 record this season, appear headed to another third place finish in the AL East. With no end in sight to their relentless mediocrity, ownership appears to be throwing up its hands. According to a report in the Toronto Star, the Blue Jays are considering abandoning baseball and taking up basketball instead. Full Article

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NIT Tournament Winners Still Celebrating
COLUMBUS, OH-- The Ohio State Buckeyes won the NIT Tournament back in April, and haven’t stopped celebrating since. The champs just returned from a team trip to Vegas and will spend the next week partying with family, friends, and well-wishers.
“Oh man I haven’t slept in like two weeks,” said guard Jamar Butler. “It’s been a whirlwind. I get so many phone calls and texts and emails from everybody – I’m hearing from people I haven’t talked to since grade school! It’s almost too much. But you know, this is something that happens once in a lifetime and you have to savor the moment. My only concern is overexposure. If we keep popping up everywhere, America’s going to get sick of us.”

©2008 The Brushback.com® All rights reserved. The Brushback is a satire site. None of the features or stories on this site are real. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. All quotes are fictional and any similarity to actual quotes is coincidental.

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