Proposed $584 Million Ballpark Would Pay For Itself In 500 Years

WASHINGTON, DC--Washington residents received good news today when officials from Major League Baseball assured them that their new ballpark, to be built south of the Capital along the Anacostia River, would pay for itself in only 500 years. The estimate came from a study conduct by a third party research group.

“According to our calculations, the new Washington ballpark should pay for itself in roughly 500 years,” said MLB chief operating officer Bob DuPuy. “People keep saying it’s not worth it but it’s obviously a very frugal investment. $584 million may seem like a lot of money but a baseball franchise brings a ton of revenue to a city. Take Olympic Stadium in Montreal, for example. When that was built, it was seen as a modern marvel, a state-of-the-art facility that would never be outdated, and now it’s falling apart. OK that was a bad example.”

DuPuy and Mayor Anthony Williams have been attempting to soothe residents’ fears about the huge cost of the project. However, in every analysis done so far, the cost of the stadium is projected to be anywhere from $465 million to $640 million. The DC city council has set the cap for the costs at $632 million.

“I think our taxpayers would be happy to know that we have put a cap on the stadium of $632 million dollars,” said Williams. “So you can rest assured that it won’t go over that price. Isn’t that comforting? You can all go to bed at night with the knowledge that in 500 years, this crippling debt will be lifted off our shoulders. Then maybe we can finally reopen all the homeless shelters.”

In order to convince taxpayers to go along with the ballpark plan, Williams must assure them that a new baseball franchise will bring in millions in revenue and jobs.

“Just think of all the money the ballpark would be bringing into the city,” said Williams. “Think of all the jobs it would create. We’ll need ticket vendors, concession workers, janitors, organists, and even ballplayers. The revenue stream will be so steady and strong that we won’t need more than a few centuries to recoup the cost. But try not to think about the debt so much. Just close your eyes, relax, pretend you’re on a beautiful white beach, and forget all about the debt. How do you think the president gets to sleep every night?”

The research group that conducted the analysis said that 500 years was a reasonable estimate based on realistic data. Well it’s highly unlikely the debt could be paid in less than the projected 500 years, there is a chance it could take longer.

“Our study was based on the team being successful every year and selling out nearly every game,” said Gerald Fordham, a consultant who spearheaded the study. “But there is always the chance the team won’t be successful. We’re operating on the assumption that it’s going to be a very, very successful enterprise, because that’s how all franchise estimates are done. Nobody ever stops to consider the chance of the team flopping, like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. If it goes that badly for the Nationals, we could be looking at a thousand million years before we pay it back. And by that time, Washington could be covered in ice, which would make it impossible even to get into the stadium.”

While it’s difficult to gauge just how many years it would take to pay off a $584 million ballpark, some are wondering exactly why the price tag is so high in the first place. If the project moves forward, it would be the most expensive ballpark in baseball history. Residents who attended a city council meeting last week aired their questions and concerns about the soaring costs.

“What I’d like to know is why it’s going to cost so much money,” said Victor Carruth, 44. “It’s just a ballpark, right? Some seats and a field and a big scoreboard? That seems awful pricey for something like that. Will all the seats massage your back when you sit on them? Will there be Geisha girls to fan you if it gets too hot? Will the jumbotron be diamond encrusted? Oh, I see. It’s going to be another bloated, wasteful mess named after a corporation that will probably lose it’s novelty after about three years. It would almost be worth building it just to watch you guys fall flat on your face.”

DC city council chairman Philip Cropp assured Mr. Carruth and other residents that they had nothing to worry about.

“As we’ve said before, the stadium will pay for itself in 500 years,” she said. “That may seem like a long time, but just think, 500 years ago Columbus discovered America. Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday? It’s really a short amount of time. I understand all your concerns, but the bottom line is this: None of you people can afford to buy tickets anyway, so you shouldn’t even be here.”