Report: Pussies Less Likely To Use Steroids

NEW YORK--According to a report released by Yale University’s sports medicine department, pussies are less likely to bulk up with steroids than real men. Doctors at the school interviewed hundreds of professional athletes and monitored test results from around the world. The numbers indicated that the vast majority of steroid users are tough, courageous warriors, while non-users tend to be total faggots who are afraid to take the slightest risk to improve their game.

“This is the most comprehensive study ever done on the subject of steroid use in sports,” said Dr. James Bryant, head of the university’s department of sports medicine and author of the study. “We talked to a vast array of professional athletes, and our data seems to indicate a clear apprehension on the part of pussies to try performance enhancing supplements. These wimpy half-men have tested negative for illegal steroids time and time again. The pattern is obvious. Steroids are clearly the domain of courageous macho athletes who want to take it to the next level. Everyone else is perfectly content at their current gay level.”

In order to prove his point, Bryant named several athletes who are currently under suspicion of steroid use.

“Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire , Bill Romanowski—nobody would accuse these gentlemen of being pussies,” said Bryant. “Clearly they’re all man from head to toe. Now, let’s look at some of the players who have not tried steroids: Derek Jeter, David Eckstein, Julio Lugo, Luis Castillo--pussy, pussy, pussy, and pussy. There certainly is no disputing this data.”

Many steroid users say they are driven by an intense desire to excel and gain an edge on their opponents.

“I use because I’m such a competitor,” said one NFL player. “I use because I’m the type of person that refuses to accept defeat or settle for second place. But mostly, I use because I’m an adventurous, tough motherfucker. Plus, they make me want to kill people, which is pretty useful if you play in the NFL.”

On the contrary, some athletes who have have not tried steroids claim to be turned off by the idea of injecting illegal drugs into their bodies.

“I don’t want to ruffle any feathers here, but I think the guys who do steroids are really playing with fire,” said one major leaguer, who asked not to be identified. “The reason why I don’t take illegal supplements is because they are harmful to the body and could have lasting side effects. Also, they’re against the law. It certainly wouldn’t behoove me to run afoul of the law, would it? I’m just using a little common sense. It doesn’t mean I’m a faggot, it means I’m a warrior. A common sense warrior! Wow, that does sound kind of gay.”

The report also implied that steroid use makes professional sports more exciting and those who refuse to try them should reconsider.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. They could at least just try it for a while to see if it works,” said Bryant. “It’s not like they’re going to die or anything. The sports world has been enhanced greatly by these illegal supplements. Look at how popular baseball became when those behemoths started driving balls out of the park. Look how hard-hitting and violent the NFL is. Clearly, the faggot demographic is preventing professional sports from being more compelling, and I seriously think they should reconsider their position. Especially the Steelers players. Their defense was porous last year.”

Bryant noted that many of those who refuse to take steroids are afraid of being caught and penalized by their respective leagues. The federal government has already mandated that illegal supplements and stimulants should be stricken from the sports landscape. Regardless, certain types of players continue to dope up anyway.

“You see that certain types of people are not afraid to inject a little THG into the meaty part of their thigh before a game, despite the obvious legal ramifications,” said Bryant. “These people combine athletic ability with a tough-mindedness and determination to do whatever it takes to win. They are risking their health and their freedom by taking these drugs, but they continue to do so anyway because their standards of excellence are so high. The others, well, they just don’t have that same kind of drive. I won’t pass judgment on these people, but I will say that they should take off the goddamn skirts.”

Now that the report has been released, officials from all four major sports are working to determine how it should affect steroid testing. Bud Selig, commissioner of Major League Baseball, hinted that the conclusions in the report might help the league determine which players are a threat to try steroids, and which are not.

“It’s an intriguing study,” said Selig. “It certainly doesn’t change my opinion that steroids are a curse and should be eliminated, but it might assist us in streamlining the testing process. For instance, we know which players in the league are pussies, and we can pretty much avoid testing them. The true men in the league, however, should be monitored closely. Sheffield, Giambi, Sosa—all those guys are man enough to take some dope, and we’ll be keeping an eye on them. The rest of those yellow-bellied cowards can go home to their mommies and cry about it, for all I care.”