Red Sox Players Tell Bostonians To Get A Life

BOSTON--Boston Red Sox fans are known as the most intense baseball fans in the country. Each year the Fenway faithful follow their team with a passion and zeal normally reserved for Islamic fundamentalists. On every street corner and in every bar in Boston, the Sox are the hottest topic from March to October. Now that the team has sold out every single game at Fenway park for the first time in franchise history, Sox players and coaches are finally telling Boston residents to get a life.

“The fans here are great, in a way,”said Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon. “It’s pretty cool to come to the ballpark and have it full every night. But it can be tiresome, too. When I first came here from Oakland, people told me the fans here were rabid, but I didn’t expect this much. It’s all they talk about, even during the offseason. They live and die with us. Jesus, we’re just a stupid baseball team. Maybe it’s time for these people to get their priorities straight.”

“And what’s up with the 81 straight sell-outs?” he continued. “81 straight? Don’t these people have anything better to spend their money on?”

Sox fans are so committed that some have confessed to ruining their marriages or neglecting their children in order to follow the team more closely. Owner John Henry has heard his share of stories from obsessed Bostonians.

“Every Boston fan has a story,” Henry told the Boston Globe. “And they’re usually pretty pathetic. One guy told me he decided against buying his wife an engagement ring after he got a chance to get season tickets to the Sox. I laughed while he was telling me, but inside I was thinking ‘Grow the fuck up.’ Another guy told me he was really concerned that his son might grow up a Yankee fan because his wife is from New York. He said he stays up at night worrying about it. If I were him, I’d be more concerned that the kid will grow up to be an emotionally crippled manchild like his father. Of course I didn’t say that out loud. I thanked him for his support and tried to sell him a hat.”

Any time a new player comes to Boston, he is overwhelmed by the amount of support that the team receives from its fans. That culture shock can be jarring at first and some players never really get used to it. Newly acquired shortstop Orlando Cabrera, who came from the almost-defunct Montreal Expos, is still struggling to get accustomed to his newfound stardom.

“I got a pretty lukewarm reception at first because I was replacing Nomar,” said Cabrera. “But after I hit my first home run and made a few nice defensive plays, I became an instant superstar. I get a big ovation during pregame introductions. Everywhere I go people recognize me. I’m starting to think these people have a little too much time on their hands, especially the ones that stand in my front yard and give me a standing ovation every time I leave the house.”

Most members of Red Sox nation are proud of their unflagging support for the home team. In fact, obsessing over the Sox has turned into a game of one-upsmanship, with fans comparing stories about their disturbing levels of commitment.

“I once quit my job to attend a Red Sox preseason game in Florida,” said John McCall, 27, of Brookline, MA. “Yea, I have a wife and two babies, but this was a once in a lifetime shot to get a look at some of the team’s young prospects. This is going to be our year, and I’m not about to miss a minute of it, even if it means my family is going to starve to death. I am such a die hard fan.”

Another fan, Jason Zimmerman, claimed that he was the world’s biggest Red Sox booster, and he had the story to prove it.

“I had to blow a guy to get tickets to last weekend’s series against the Yankees,” said the 24-year-old Boston College student. “He was a scalper and I just didn’t have enough money to buy the ticket. I was going to walk away but then I remembered that Pedro was pitching and there was just no way I was going to miss it. So I figured ‘What the hell?’ It’s something I’ve always wanted to do...watch Pedro pitch, that is, not blow a scalper.”

As it turned out, the players weren’t impressed at all. In fact, some suggested that Zimmerman and the rest of Red Sox nation simply get a life.

“Grow up, get a life, get a grip—how many different ways can I say it?” asked first baseman Kevin Millar. “Go read a book. Spend some time with your kids. Watch the news, for God’s sake. Jesus, I’m on the team and even I don’t get this worked up about it. It’s only a dumb little game. The Red Sox are just a goddamn baseball team. These people are pathetic. It’s like having a needy girlfriend who won’t leave you alone, and she’s always asking where you’re going and who you’re going with, and she gets mad at the stupidest little things, and she’s totally clingy, and you just wanna say ‘Get a life, bitch!’”