Satan Feeling Threatened By Drew Rosenhaus

HELL--Satan, the Prince of Darkness and embodiment of all that is evil, is starting to feel threatened by sports agent Drew Rosenhaus. Rosenhaus represents dozens of high profile professional athletes and is considered the most cutthroat agent in a business full of them. His insatiable greed and immorality makes him a legitimate threat to overtake Lucifer as Dark Overlord of the universe.

“Who is this Drew Rosenhaus guy?” asked Satan, after hearing of Rosenhaus’s latest attempt to acquire more material wealth to fill his already stuffed coffers. “Who does he think he is, going around acting like me? I’m the Prince of Darkness. I’m the face of greed, avarice, and amorality. Me, me, me! And no greasy haired little weasel is going to change that. I mean, sure he’s evil, but my resume speaks for itself. He’ll need a few thousand more years of being a sports agent before he reaches my level.”

Satan did admit that he is often shocked by Rosenhaus’s diabolical scheming.

“Obviously the guy is evil. That goes without saying,” said Satan. “I tip my hat to him in that regard. Sometimes even I’m surprised by the audacity he has. Here’s a guy who wants to renegotiate a contract for a client that was signed in good faith just last year. Even I wouldn’t pull something like that. When someone sells their soul to me and they sign on that dotted line, that contract is a legally binding document. With Drew it’s a different story, which technically makes him more evil than me. Then again I was responsible for the black plague, the Holocaust, and Cold Pizza. So there.”

Satan’s associates are surprised by his strong reaction toward Drew Rosenhaus. The devil normally embraces those who do evil on earth, but with Rosenhaus, Satan sees someone who could supplant him as the world’s leading purveyor of evil.

“Wow, Lucifer is totally worked up about this sports agent guy,” said Asmodeus, Prince of Wantons, one of Satan’s leading minions. “Every time he sees him on TV, he get all flustered and angry. I keep having to talk him down. I’m like, ‘Dude, you’re Satan. You were spreading evil across the earth before this guy’s great-great-great-great grandfather was even born. He can’t hang with you.’ He says he’s not worried about it, but I’m not so sure. Last night I caught him throwing darts at a picture of the guy. I don’t even know where he got the darts. This is hell. There are no sporting goods stores.”

Rosenhaus has long been considered one of the most ruthless agents in all of sports. His slicked back hair and fast talking demeanor have contributed to that image, as well as his merciless negotiating style. Recently, star receiver Terrell Owens hooked up with Rosenhaus to try and force the Eagles to renegotiate the contract that he signed just last year.

What’s worse, Rosenhaus is attempting to elicit sympathy for Owens in his quest for more millions.

“You have to look at it from my client’s perspective,” Rosenhaus said in an interview on the Dan Patrick radio show Wednesday. “He signed a contract last year that was not beneficial to him and did not provide him with adequate compensation. Now we’re trying to right a wrong. Try to have some sympathy. I’m sure John Q Public can relate to a situation in which you want to renegotiate a multi-million dollar contract with a professional football team in order to attain your fair market value. Who hasn’t been there before?”

Rosenhaus even went so far as to advise his client to sit out training camp until his demands are met.

“Yes, I told him that. Sometimes that’s the best way to get what you want,” he said. “Sure it’ll be a slap in the face to the fans that embraced him last year and the team that bent over backwards to acquire him, but this is business. My job is to look out for my client’s best interest, and my own best interest. I see myself as a sort of Robin Hood, robbing from the super rich to give to the rich. It’s a noble calling, really.”

For now, Satan feels secure in his position as the ruler of evil, but the rise of sports agents has him squirming in his seat a little.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it sometimes,” said Satan. “You know what they say: Uneasy lays the head that wears the crown. There’s always a threat out there, always someone a little more evil out there with a lust for power. These sports agents are some of the most ruthless and horrible people I’ve ever seen. If I’m going to retain my position as the Devil, I’ll have to take it up a notch. That’s it. I’m bringing back bubonic plague, bitches! And failing that, it’s the Cold Pizza network. Ugh. That would be a new low, even for me.”