ESPN.com Hires White Supremacist To Counter Scoop Jackson

BRISTOL, CT--In a move designed to “counter the unique and often extreme viewpoints of columnist Scoop Jackson,” ESPN.com has hired a noted white supremacist to write a weekly column for its website. The racist, David T Bonham of the group White Power America, will address the issues of the day from a staunchly pro-white perspective.

ESPN.com editors said they were “very excited” about the prospect of having both Jackson and Bonham in the fold.

“We’ve had Scoop here for a while and he’s been great for us, and now we’re bringing in someone to offset his opinions,” said ESPN.com editor-in-chief John Schatz. “David Bonham will be the perfect compliment for Scoop, the yin to his yang if you will. Both men see everything in black and white, both are hysterically paranoid, and both are unabashed racists. The only difference, really, is that Scoop dresses a little better. He smells better, too, frankly.”

Schatz came up with the idea of recruiting a white supremacist while reading Scoop Jackson’s recent column about the top stories of 2005. In the column, Jackson called Notre Dame “racist to the core” for rewarding Charlie Weis with a 10-year-contract. He also said Stephen A Smith’s ratings nightmare Quite Frankly was “historical in the landscape of broadcast television.” To top it all off, he called Joe Buck’s omission of African-Americans when describing the variety of cultures and races at the White Sox victory parade as “shocking” and “unforgettable.”

“That was a great column by Scoop, but in reading it I couldn’t help but think it was tilted slightly in favor of one particular racial demographic,” said Schatz. “But that’s OK. He’s entitled to his opinion. And I hope he understands that Mr. Bonham is also entitled to make wildly inaccurate comments and accusations about people he doesn’t even know. I’m sure he’ll understand completely and give David the respect that he deserves as a fellow journalist. Just kidding. They’re going to kill each other. Race war! Woohooo!”

Schatz discovered Bonham while perusing through a pile of white supremacist literature, searching for someone “with an edge.” He found what he was looking for in the White Power America’s monthly newsletter. Bonham’s column was fiery yet stylish, and looked like a perfect fit for ESPN.com’s Page 2.

Schatz immediately contacted Bonham, who admitted to being confused by the job offer.

“When this guy from ESPN called, I thought he had the wrong number,” said Bonham, 67, a retired construction worker. “Then he complimented me on my article about how black men who marry white women are part of a nationwide conspiracy to dilute the purity of the white race. He said it was exactly the kind of thing they were looking for, especially if I could somehow make it about sports. So my first column for Page 2 will be titled ‘Black Men Shouldn’t Marry White Women and I Really Like the Cubs This Year.’”

Bonham wondered how his writing style would fit in with the rest of the Page 2 staff, and was relieved to see that he wouldn’t be the only racist on board.

“I felt a little self-conscious at first about being the only racist on the whole staff,” he said. “But then I saw some of Scoop Jackson’s work and I breathed a sigh of relief. This guy is like the black me! Seriously, if he was white, he’d be writing for the WPA newsletter. ESPN really has a lot of courage hiring people like us. It’s refreshing to see a big corporation that values controversy over their own credibility.”

When told of the Bonham hiring, Jackson himself was outraged. He accused Schatz of being a bigot and threatened to quit his job writing for ESPN.

“This is a joke. It’s an absolute joke,” Jackson said yesterday. “John should be ashamed of himself. What’s up with him labeling me a racist? I'm not a racist. I don’t hate white people. I just support black people. And if I see something that I think is racist, I say it. I don’t mince words and I certainly don’t think about what I’m saying or who I’m hurting. I don’t have to. This is ESPN. I'm supposed to be provocative, not objective.”