NEW YORK--Scooter the talking baseball denied rumors Monday that he is homosexual. The effeminate, animated baseball insisted that he prefers women, despite the fact that he was caught Thursday night in Times Square fellating a transvestite prostitute. The arrest has sullied the reputation of America’s most beloved talking baseball and led to a flurry of speculation regarding his sexual orientation.

“I would like to state unequivocally that I am heterosexual,” Scooter told reporters in his high-pitched, girlish voice. “Just because I talk like this doesn’t mean I’m gay. And just because I was arrested for blowing a male hooker in Times Square doesn’t make me gay either. I think the investigation will reveal that I was not blowing that gentleman. I was merely showing him how a curveball works.”

Since his debut on Fox last year, Scooter the talking baseball has been the subject of rampant rumors about his sexuality. During the 2003 playoffs, Fox analyst Tim McCarver referred to Scooter as a “dick-eating queen” during a commercial break. The comment was caught on tape and leaked to a tabloid, bringing further embarrassment to Scooter. McCarver apologized, but the damage had already been done. Scooter’s sexual preference became the focal point of a national debate among sports fans until the 2003 playoffs mercifully came to a end.

This year, Scooter was hoping to start anew. Unfortunately, the fans have a long memory and he was subject to relentless heckling during Games 1 and 2 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium.

“Hey, faggot! Show me how a knuckleball breaks!” screamed one New Yorker, as he threw a plastic water bottle at Scooter before Thursday night’s game.

“Why don’t you take the cock out of your mouth before you teach the kids about a slider, you friggin homo!" yelled another fan. Eventually, Scooter would have to leave the field and remain in the broadcast booth to avoid the fans’ ridicule.

“Why does everyone think I’m gay?” asked an exasperated Scooter. “I know I have a squeaky voice. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. That doesn’t mean I’m gay. And what if I was gay? Why should that even be an issue? The fact is that I am here to help children and retards understand the game of baseball. I’ve been hired by Fox to do this job and I believe it is an important one. If not for me, who would explain to viewers that a fastball is fast?”

The latest incident in Times Square has complicated matters even more for little Scooter. After the arrest Fox suspended him from his duties, and now the prostitute is making the rounds on TV and radio shows.

Michael Chapel, AKA “Shawinda”, described his encounter with Scooter on the Howard Stern show Friday.

“He was walking around Times Square looking pretty drunk, and he was shouting out that he ‘wanted some dick’ to whoever would listen to him,” said Chapel. “Then I walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to party.”

“OK,” said Stern. “So at this point what are you wearing? What are you wearing when you first encounter him?”

“I had on this tight pink mini-skirt, a lacy tank top...”

“Bra and panties?”

“No. No bra and panties. And he just looked at me and said ‘What are you packin?’ Then I lifted up my skirt and showed him, and he was like ‘Ok, let’s get a room.’”

“Just like that? And then you went to the hotel room and he…uh…fellated you?”

“Yea, he went right down on me and just went to work. And he made me call him ‘bitch’ while he was doing it.”

Scooter vehemently denies Chapel’s account, claiming that he is being targeted because of his money and fame.

“This is extortion, plain and simple,” said Scooter. “Everyone knows that I am not gay, nor would I ever solicit sex from a prostitute. This is all a big witch-hunt. This is what I get for trying to do my job and make the game of baseball exciting and informative. The viewers need me out there. It’s not like Tim McCarver is going to offer anything enlightening. The guy’s dumber than a pile of rocks.”

The Fox network itself is under fire for Scooter’s behavior. Several advertisers have threatened to pull their sponsorship if the deviant talking baseball returns to the airwaves. The Media Watchdog Group MRC has filed their own complaint, warning that Scooter is not “family entertainment.”

“With all due respect to Mr. Scooter, his recent arrest has proven that he is not worthy of entertaining American families,” said Melissa Caldwell, director of MRC. “I hope the Fox network is aware of this and takes it into consideration in the future. Having Scooter go around sucking cock in Times Square is sending the wrong message to our nation's youth."

Scooter has been under fire from the general public, too, and has asked people to stop sending him threatening letters. The talking baseball has been the recipient of hundreds of death threats since his arrest last week.

“Please, please stop sending all this awful hate mail. It’s really cruel. Listen to this one. It says ‘You pickle smuggler. Why don’t you shut you’re gay mouth and get out of this country before I fucking kill you?’ Pickle smuggler?’ I don’t even know what that means. And here’s another one. It says ‘If I ever see your homo ass on the street, I’m gonna bend you over and make you my bitch, motherfucker.’ See? This is the kind of stuff I have to deal with now. But this one is the worst. ‘Dear Ass Pirat (sic), please get off the air before I grab me shotgun and take U out like rump ranger you are.’ It’s not signed, but considering the horrible punctuation and grammar, I’m guessing it’s from McCarver.”

Scooter The Talking Baseball Denies Rumors He’s Gay
October 19th, 2004- Volume 1 Issue 71