Scoop Jackson Informed Of Your Racist Comments

NEW YORK--Columnist Scoop Jackson of ESPN has been informed of the racist comment you made last night during the Rams-Lions game. The comment--that black people make better wide receivers because they’re so fast---will appear in Jackson’s weekly ESPN column, in which he will skewer you in a pointed, yet stylish, way.

Meanwhile, friends and family say they were “shocked” by your hateful diatribe.

“I was shocked when I heard him say it,” said Mark Sullivan, 32, your roommate. “Believe me, I’ve known Doug for a long time and he’s no racist. He’s actually one of the nicest, kindest people I know. When he started dropping all those racist comments, my jaw just dropped. Of course as soon as it came out of his mouth I thought ‘I’m telling Scoop Jackson.’”

Sullivan insists that he doesn’t mind joking around about race, but you went too far when you resorted to ugly and offensive stereotypes.

“Hey I like a good laugh as much the next guy, and I’m no prude,” he said. “But there’s a difference between a harmless joke and just being hurtful. I still can’t believe he said it. Now he’s going to have to suffer the consequences. As a general rule of thumb, if you're a white guy and you show up in Scoop Jackson's column, you're having a pretty bad day. ”

When Jackson himself heard the comments, he just shook his head and grinned. It’s not the first time he has heard this kind of thing, and it probably won’t be the last.

“Man, we have seen this before,” Jackson said. “Is this déjà vu? Let’s see: Suburban, white, thirty-something male who thinks he knows everything about black people but has probably never even had a black friend. Yea, we’ve heard that before. All black people are fast, huh? Is that so? Ever hear of a guy named Al Roker?”

Jackson’s column will be titled “Colorblind?” and will examine the ideas behind your bigoted statements as well as offer sarcastic advice to help you better understand black people.

“It’s never possible for white people to truly understand black people,” said Jackson. “I’ve been saying that for years. The only hope is for people like me to explain what we’re all about, how we feel about certain things, and why we act the way we do. See, all black people are the same, and to understand one of us—like me, for instance—is to understand us all. So I’ll be happy to sit down with any white man and explain what it’s like to be a black man. Any day of the week. Just call me. Any takers? Anyone? Hello?”

In addition to Jackson being informed, several major media outlets have also gotten wind of the story. Tomorrow morning there will be a special Sportsnation chat session with columnist Alan Grant in which he will argue that you should be fired from your job and “made an example of.”

“This guy should not get away with what he said,” Grant said, while preparing for his chat. “I’m sure he’ll come out with some bullshit apology that was written down for him by his lawyers, but I’m not satisfied with that. He should be fired from his job and ostracized from the community. We must have no mercy on people expressing their feelings if those feelings are ignorant or stupid. Only sensitive, loving, and enlightened people should be able to speak publicly. Sure, the Bill of Rights states differently, but our founding fathers never met a guy like Doug.”

Despite the large wave of antipathy directed at you by the general public, your girlfriend of four months, Cindy, is standing by you. She insists that you are a tolerant and open minded person and that the comments were probably “taken out of context.”

“I’ve been dating Doug for 4 months now and he seems like a really nice guy,” she said. “He’s never said anything like that around me. Hopefully Scoop Jackson isn’t too hard on him in his column. That guy can sniff racism out like a bloodhound. And those articles! So slick and edgy. I wouldn’t want to be his enemy, that’s for sure. Of course, I’m not saying that because he’s black. That would be racist, and I'm anything but racist. In fact, I'll go so far as to apologize for my hateful comments. I don't know what I was thinking.”

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.