Slimmed Down Ichiro Raises Suspicious At Mariners Camp

PEORIA, AZ--2004 batting champ Ichiro raised some eyebrows this week when he strolled into Mariners training camp 30 pounds lighter than last season. Though he attributed the weight loss to an offseason diet, some members of the media were openly skeptical. With the clouds of suspicion hanging over baseball these days, it appears that even Ichiro is a suspect.

“It’s sad to say, but in this day and age, you really have to question anyone who sheds that much weight in the offseason,” said ESPN’s Jayson Stark. “There’s a noticeable difference in his physique. One can’t help but think those 8 home runs he hit last year were aided by some illegal supplements. And those bunts--did you ever notice how they used to pop off his bat? Jesus Christ, it was like they were being shot out of a cannon. It just proves what I’ve been saying all along: Japanese people are not to be trusted.”

Ichiro’s offseason “dieting” has trimmed his weight down to approximately 85 pounds. He told reporters that he lost the weight in order to improve his speed and flexibly. He also pointed out the he was nowhere near the league lead in home runs last year.

“If I was doing steroids last year, they weren’t helping,” said Ichiro. “I only hit 8 home runs. I broke the single season record for singles, remember? But at the end of the season, I was feeling a bit bloated. I was up to 115 pounds and it was starting to effect my speed. Now I can run to first base like a gazelle, provided there is no breeze to blow me into the stands like a discarded paper plate.”

Ichiro’s teammates have come out in support of him, saying that he’s innocent until proven guilty. However, some opposing players were skeptical of his explanation and wondered whether the emaciated right fielder was hiding something.

“He certainly has some explaining to do,” said A’s third baseman Eric Chavez. “Here’s a guy who was around 115, 120 last year, and now he comes in weighing 85? Oh, and baseball just approved of a tougher steroid policy, too. You’re gonna tell me that’s a coincidence? I don’t think so. Man, I can just see that bastard shooting up in the clubhouse, sauntering up to home plate and hitting one of those dribblers up the first base line. It just makes me so mad. And to think, to hit my 29 home runs last year all I needed was a handful of amphetamines and a corked bat.”

Ichiro is the subject of increased scrutiny in part because of his record breaking season last year, in which he had 262 base hits, shattering George Sisler’s 84-year-old mark of 257. If he was indeed on steroids, those records could be tainted. The family of Sisler has asked Major League Baseball to conduct an investigation.

“We all sat by and cheered for Ichiro as he broke my dad’s home run record last year,” said Susan Viullet, Sisler’s daughter. “We trusted him, but it appears that trust has been broken. Looking at Ichiro now, it is clear that he was being aided by performance enhancing drugs last season. He was much, much bigger than he is now. If major league baseball doesn’t step in and do an investigation, I’m going to…well, I’m not gong to do anything, I guess. Being George Sisler’s daughter doesn’t carry as much weight as you might think.”

Some of Ichiro’s peers are having a difficult time imagining how he could lose 30 pounds and still manage to live, especially considering the rigors of a 162 game baseball season.

“Wow, I don’t know how he does it,” said one AL player. “I mean, that guy was the skinniest person I ever met last year and this year he looks downright bizarre. I saw him in the parking lot last week when we went to play them in a scrimmage and we had a little run-in. I thought he was one of those life-size cardboard cutouts, so I jokingly karate-kicked him in the chest as I was walking by. Then I heard screaming, so I thought it might be some kind of high-tech, screaming cardboard cutout. Then I folded him up and carried him to the dumpster, only he kept screaming so I laid him down on the ground and started stomping on his head, trying to crush whatever little speaker the sound was coming out of. Then I threw him in the dumpster. Anyway, I found out later it was him. I guess that would explain all the blood.”