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SEATTLE--Members of The Discovery Institute, a Seattle based think tank, publicly rescinded their demands that intelligent design be taught in public schools after watching an Ultimate Fighting “best knockouts” compilation video Monday night. The video, which depicted wild men viciously attacking one another before a crowd of bloodthirsty spectators, provided “the smoking gun ” that man is descended from apes.

“It is with great regret that we abandon our quest to have the theory of intelligent design taught in public schools,” said Bruce Chapman, president of the Discovery Institute. “We are now convinced that Charles Darwin was right and we are just a bunch of hairless apes. We came to this conclusion after watching some Ultimate Fighting. Those men are brutes. The violence was unremitting. What's worse, we thought it was extremely entertaining, which doesn’t bode well for us, either.”

Chapman said he was “horrified” by the “sheer animal brutality” of the fighters, who fought in cages like dogs.

“These fighters seemed bent on killing each other,” said Chapman. “I was reminded of the scene at the beginning of 2001 when one ape beat another with a bone, and a crowd of apes stood around howling and cheering. I remember thinking while watching that how absurd it was that we could be descended from such beasts. Now, I kind of admire those apes. At least they weren’t charging admission.”

Chapman viewed the fights at the urging of a colleague at the Discovery Institute, who was “deeply disturbed” by the UFC after watching footage of it himself.

“I told Bruce about it the minute I saw it,” said Steven Alberg. “It was obviously very traumatic for me on both a personal and spiritual level. These men fought nearly to death, and when one was declared the winner he turned and faced the crowd, his eyes rolling in the back of his head, and unleashed an inhuman, guttural roar. All he needed was a club and he would have made a very convincing cave man. Anyway, I'll probably catch a couple matches this summer. ”

In response, the Discovery Institute has embarked on a campaign to redefine the term “intelligent design.” The new definition will take the UFC into consideration, mention it by name, and purport that “some kind of supreme being created some microorganisms that eventually evolved into apes, which apparently evolved into humans, and that's that.”

“We’ve boiled it down to the belief that somebody created something and set the whole thing into motion,” said Chapman. “After that, it was a big crap shoot. It’s hard to believe, but the debate has been put to rest. We’ve found the smoking gun.”

UFC officials were outraged that they were being compared to apes, and implored Chapman and his think tank to learn more about the sport before making such a harsh judgment.

Fighter Tito Ortiz, a former champion, referred to the style of fighting as “mixed martial arts,” which requires both physical strength and sound strategy.

“These people are idiots,” said Ortiz. “They know nothing about mixed martial arts. This is a legitimate sport. Only the most physically and mentally tough athletes can partake in it. It requires years of training and preparation. The fact that it’s a little bloody is, frankly, one of the best parts. It’s more raw. It’s more…raw. Anyway, those intelligent design people should come down and talk to me. I think once they get the facts they’ll change their stance. At least I hope so. See, I believe in intelligent design, and I would feel awfully bad if the whole theory went to shit because of me.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.