Ugly Women Protest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

WASHINGTON, DC - Ugly women across America voiced outrage today over the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. The magazine, which showcases nubile young supermodels in skimpy bathing suits, has been called sexist and exclusionary by the nation’s unattractive women. Each year thousands of these hags speak out against the tawdry, tasteless spectacle that is the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

“Yet again, Sports Illustrated serves up a heaping portion of gaudy, blatant sexism disguised as a swimwear catalogue,” said Gloria Rolston, an overweight dog who is the director of the Council for Women in the Media (CWM). “What do these glistening, lithe young hardbodies have to do with athletics? The answer is nothing. This is just a pathetic excuse to provide eye candy for SI’s mostly male audience. Sure, it may appeal to the 18-35 demographic, but it also glorifies physical beauty over intelligence and motivation. Some of us had to work to get where we are, not just take off our clothes.”

The swimsuit issue has always been a lightning rod for controversy. Conceived in 1964 as a novelty issue meant to take up space in the sports dead zone of February, it has grown into a nationally recognized showcase of beauty and sex appeal. Still, each year a chorus of jealous and unattractive women complains about its perceived sexism and tastelessness.

“When we live in a society where a premium is put on intelligence, compassion, and dedication, that will be a great day. Until then we are slaves to the ruling male elite that thinks a woman’s most important assets can best be seen in a bikini,” said Martha Lieberman, vice-president of the National Organization of Woman (NOW). “A lot of people may find it hard to believe that the majority of women in this country do not look anything like the barbie dolls portrayed in your swimsuit issue. What kind of message are we sending to young girls? That being physically beautiful and seeking approval from men is the best way to advance in society? Well, that’s just bull. There’s no truth to it at all. None whatsoever.”

Diane Smith, editor of the swimsuit issue, has been the subject of ridicule among ugly women since she took the reins in 1994. Each year she must defend herself against accusations that she is helping promote discrimination and subjugation of women. Smith maintains that the swimsuit edition is a work of art, and the women are treated with reverence rather than disdain.

“There’s a difference between admiring the female form and being sexist,” said Smith. “What we do is art, its photography, and it’s a lot of fun. We don’t humiliate and degrade the women like they do in Maxim and FHM. We simply celebrate their beauty in a very tasteful, artistic way. Oh, and we advertise swimsuits, too. I’m sure every man in America pays close attention to the brand of suit the girls are wearing.”

She added: “These buzzards just need to accept the fact that some women are beautiful, and they’re going to take advantage of that. Relax, you’ve still got your sociology degree or whatever.”

Nevertheless, the ugly women have embarked on a letter writing campaign to get their message across. Leaders of NOW and CWM are encouraging members to flood SI’s corporate offices with letters of protest and let their voices be heard. The NOW website has even provided the address for the magazine’s corporate offices. The campaign has resulted in a deluge of letters being sent to SI, as the nation’s ugly women mobilize to further their cause.

“We may not get them to stop printing this filth, but at least we’re letting them know how we feel,” said Lieberman. “This is a great day for middle-aged, non-pretty women of America. Heck, it’s a great day for all non-pretty women in America, because we stood up with one voice and said ‘Stop the insanity! We matter, too!’”

Lieberman added that NOW is putting together an alternative to the swimsuit issue that will feature the girls of the National Organization of Women. The magazine will highlight their career accomplishments and contributions to society, rather than physical appearance.

“We’ve got a great spread on Natalie Evans, the author of several books of poetry, including Beauty is Subjective, Inside I'm Gorgeous, and I Can’t Get Laid. And we’re talking to Martha Burke about doing a feature on her,” said Lieberman. “I think SI will learn a valuable lesson that you don’t need pretty women to sell magazines.”

“Yea, that’ll sell great,” said Smith. “Good luck, ladies. That’ll be a huge seller in the coveted ‘People who like to read about middle-aged women in sweaters complaining about things’ demographic.”

The swimsuit models themselves take all the criticism with a grain of salt. Most are professional models who have had a lifetime of experience dealing with the jealously of our nation’s woofers. But even for them, the constant controversy can sometimes be too much.

“I have heard all their complaints. I have this fabulous body and pretty face and I’m using it to advance my career. So sue me,” said cover model Veronica Varekova. “All my life, I’ve had to deal with ugly, ugly women resenting me for my astonishing beauty. But if they were in my shoes, they would do the same thing. Believe me, if Miss Lieberman woke up one day magically transformed into a mega-babe, she’d be whipping off her clothes at the drop of a hat.”

She added: “They should just make their own damn magazine if they’re so angry about ours. What? They are? Oh, Jesus. I was only kidding.”

Tyra Banks, one of the most popular swimsuit models in history, doesn’t understand why the ugly women can’t be happy with who they are.

“What’s so wrong with being hideous?” asked Banks. “The world needs dogs, too. If not for them, who would fight for women’s rights, play professional golf, and be substitute teachers? I’m sure they can find something productive to do with their huge, oversize brains, other than criticize us for our God-given awesomeness. I don’t begrudge them their intellect, and they shouldn’t begrudge me my hooters.”