GLENDALE, AZ--San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito went through the motions on Tuesday while pitching two innings against the Dodgers in Glendale, AZ. Afterward, he admitted he was “already tired” and didn’t know if he could make it through another goddamn season.
“Oh, God not another season. Not another goddamn 162-game death march,” Zito said to reporters. “It’s like I’m getting worse and worse every year, and it just doesn’t seem to end. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I’d rather put my dick in a shredder than pitch another season.”
Zito, a once promising pitcher who won the Cy Young with the Oakland A’s in 2002, is 43-61 since signing a 7-year, $126 million contract with the San Francisco Giants in 2007. The lefty has tried everything to regain his old form, but his effort has been futile.
“I give up. I gave up two years ago,” Zito said. “I’m never going to fix what’s wrong with me. I’m never going to regain my old form. It’s OK. I had a good run. I'm not even bitter. It’s just that I’m bored to tears and I want to go home. Let’s pray to God we don’t make the playoffs.”
The only thing that keeps Zito from walking away from the game forever is the commitment he made to the Giants in 2007 and the several million dollars that are still owed to him.
“I could just throw up my hands and walk away, but that’s not what I’m about,” he said. “I made a commitment to this team and this city to stay for the duration of this contract, and I've got two more years. Two more years. Two goddamned years. That's like, 50 more starts. And about 85 innings.”
Zito’s teammates have witnessed his malaise over the past couple years and have tried everything they could to lift him out of his doldrums. Alas, the pitcher just doesn’t want to play anymore.
“Barry has been completely detached for the past couple years,” said centerfielder Melky Cabrera. “He doesn’t care anymore. There’s nothing we can do about it either. We’ve tried everythnig. I guess he just has to suck it up and get through the next two seasons. We all do, actually. If he thinks its tough being him, he should try standing in the field while he’s pitching.”
Copyright 2012, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.