BLOOMINGTON, IN--In a year in which Dwyane Wade single handedly carried the Miami Heat to their first NBA title, Ryan Howard came out of nowhere to bash 58 home runs for the Phillies, and Roger Federer and Tiger Woods made history in their respective sports, there was no shortage of candidates for the title of Sportsman of the Year.

But the most influential figure in the sports world was not an athlete at all, but a man, armed with an acoustic guitar and a simple melody, that provided the rugged American soundtrack to the games we love. That man was recording artist John Mellencamp, the Brushback’s 2006 Sportsman of the Year.

Mellencamp’s inspirational anthem, “Our Country,” became synonymous with football in 2006, just as his corporate sponsor, Chevrolet, is synonymous with American values.

“The song ‘Our Country’ is like a modern version of ‘America the Beautiful,’ but better, because ‘America the Beautiful’ didn’t sell Chevys,” said Gary Pascoe, executive creative director of Campbell-Ewald, the agency that created the ads. “We really wanted to illustrate the parallel between the history of our great nation and the history of Chevrolet vehicles. Remember 9/11? We do. Remember Katrina? We were there. Chevy trucks helped carry aid and shit to the black people. And of course, John Mellencamp is the perfect spokesman for us, because he embodies the same values as Chevrolet, and because his career shit the bed about ten years ago.”

Pascoe said the song resonates so loudly with football fans because football fans are patriotic and patriotic people like trucks.

“Most football viewers can no longer think about their favorite sport without humming ‘Our Country,’” said Pascoe. “That’s because it airs nearly a dozen times during each football broadcast. We want to hammer home the point that buying Chevy trucks means supporting America, our troops, puppies, and work boots, whereas buying a different kind of truck means supporting terrorists. Also, people who own Chevy trucks like to haul things through the mud with their friends, while people who own, say, Fords, like to sit on their asses all day and collect welfare checks. Go back to Mexico, freaks. This is Our Country.”

Mellencamp agreed to donate his song to Chevrolet, an American institution, in an effort to help the company navigate its way through a difficult transition period. The 55-year-old singer said he came up with the lyrics while driving through the cornfields of Indiana in his pickup truck.

“I was just thinking about this country and all the hard working men and women who make it so great, then I came up with the line ‘I still believe there’s a dream for everyone,’” said Mellencamp. “Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually believe that. I’m not that naive. But the idea is nice. Then I came up with the line ‘Let the voice of freedom sing out through this land,’ because I wanted something really generic and vague that sounded cool but didn’t mean anything.”

Mellencamp also said that he was honored and surprised to be named Sportsman of the Year.

“I can’t say I ever expected to be named Sportsman of the Year. I mean, I don’t even play sports. But I understand that I’ve been such a ubiquitous presence in the world of sports this year that I might as well be Brett Favre or Shaquille O’Neal. I’m really just a regular guy, though. I'm a Folk. ‘Folks’ are people who live in the Midwest, do manual labor, eat corn and own Golden Retrievers. America belongs to Folks. The rest of you can eat shit.”

In response to the wild popularity of the “Our Country” ads, Chevy is planning another advertising blitz to coincide with the Super Bowl. Terry Radigan, spokesman for Chevrolet, said the ads will feature a football theme.

“Football is very American, and Super Bowl Sunday is the most American day of all because it brings us all together to celebrate America,” Radigan said. “Our new ad will feature scenes of people of all ages playing football and will be aired three dozen times during the game. Then, when the game is over, the Super Bowl MVP will say ‘From the east coast to the west coast down that Dixie highway back home. This is our country’ instead of ‘I’m going to Disney World.’ Then we’re going to debut a new, 10-minute version of the song. Then I’m going to blow my brains out.”

Chevy is also working on a Spanish version of “Our Country” so Latino immigrants can hear it and be frightened into going back to their own countries where they belong.  

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.