LOS ANGELES--The sport of Mixed Martial Arts was in the national spotlight on Sunday night as it was awarded its first ESPY in the category of Grossest Sport. MMA beat out Competitive Eating, Mud Wrestling and Women’s MMA to claim the prize.

On the podium, Dana White, President of UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) accepted the award with muted enthusiasm.

“This is…well…this is a bittersweet moment for the sport,” he began. “I mean it’s great that we’ve become mainstream enough to win an ESPY, but I don’t think ‘grossest sport’ is really an honor. In fact, it’s an insult. What the hell is so gross about it anyway? The blood? The sweat? The mostly-nude men rolling around the floor? Big deal. If that’s ‘gross’ then so is any violent, gay porn movie.”

White also pointed out that Mixed Martial Arts is the fastest growing sport in the country, and suggested those who think it’s “gross” learn more about the sport instead of casting judgment.

“MMA is sweeping the nation. It’s the fastest growing sport in the country,” he said. “All of these critics would be better off actually learning about the sport instead of making ignorant comments based on footage they’ve seen on the internet. Incidentally, MMA has already surpassed boxing in popularity. The 18-25’s are eating it up. And anything that the 18-25's enjoy has to be high quality.”

While White was accepting the award, ESPN showed numerous scenes from Mixed Martial Arts fights on a screen behind his back. One depicted a fighter with his face squished between his opponent ’s thighs; another depicted a fighter with his ear hanging off being kicked in the head; and a third scene depicted a fighter straddling another fighter’s neck and punching him in the face while being sprayed with blood.

“I don’t see what’s so disgusting about any of that,” said White. “Big deal, so there’s a lot of bloodshed. So there’s a little sweat. So there are a few awkward positions. It’s called ‘fighting.’ It’s not supposed to be pretty. If you want pretty, check out the broads these guys are banging. Holy shit are they hot. And Rhodes Scholars, too. Every one of them.”

Actress Kyra Sedgewick, who presented the award, nearly fainted while watching the gruesome footage.

“Oh my God that was disgusting,” Sedgewick said afterward. “How can anyone want to watch that? t I wanted to take a shower after seeing that. And I thought Competitive Eating would win this thing in a landslide too. The only way those eating competitions could be grosser than MMA is if they took the hot dogs and shoved them up each other’s asses.”

In addition to MMA winning the Grossest Sport ESPY, fighter Tito Ortiz won the Only Fighter Most People Have Ever Heard of ESPY.

Copyright 2008, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.