AJ Burnett Thanks Lord Jesus Christ For Guaranteed Contracts

TORONTO--AJ Burnett is not normally a religious man, but the oft-injured pitcher was inspired to get on his knees yesterday and thank the Lord Jesus Christ for guaranteed contracts. Burnett signed a 5-year, $55 million contract with the Toronto Blue Jays this year and is now on the disabled list.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. Thank you for guaranteed contracts,” Burnett said as he sat in the trainer’s room with his arm in a sling. “Oh my goodness, without guaranteed contracts I would not be getting paid right now. I would not have gotten paid in the past, either, when I got my Tommy John surgery. This is why baseball is better than football. Once you put pen to paper, it’s all over. Now all I have to do is sit back, relax, and wait to get better. No hurry, though. It’s usually best not to rush these things.”

The Blue Jays took a calculated risk in signing Burnett this offseason, as he has a surgically repaired shoulder to go along with a mediocre career record. However the Blue Jays were desperate for pitching and made the move anyway, outbidding all other suitors by a large amount.

Burnett assured the team they made the right decision at the time and still feels that way today.

“It was a fair contract that I got. JP [Riccardi, Jays GM] did the right thing,” he said. “When you want a player, you’ve got to go out there and get him. That $55 million really showed me that I was wanted. A lot of other clubs would have been frightened away by my reconstructed shoulder. Now those clubs are laughing and I’m rolling in money, so I guess…they were right. Wait a minute. That whole thing came out wrong.”

Burnett has only pitched one game for the Blue Jays this year so far. While he is thanking the Good Lord for guaranteed contracts, JP Riccardi is cursing their very existence.

“Goddamn it! Goddamn frigging goddamn guaranteed frigging contracts,” Riccardi spat to a group of reporters outside his office. “I hate baseball. Why can’t we be like the NFL and not have to pay people when we sign them? We’re in for $55 million now, no matter what. Goddamn it! OK, OK, just relax. Calm down. Calm down. OK, I’m cool. I knew the risk I was taking when I signed him. Plus there’s no structural damage so he should be back at some point anyway. Still, 5 years suddenly seems like a really long time.”

The signing of Burnett was part of a concerted effort on the part of the Blue Jays to spend more money on free agents than in the past. The team also signed closer BJ Ryan to a $47 million deal. Though Ryan has been a success, Riccardi has had some second thoughts about his spending spree.

“I don’t know. Some days I feel like it was the right thing to do. Some days I feel like it was a big mistake,” Riccardi said. “And sometimes I just think I’m paying the price for trying to make this team into a contender when I could have just kept doing what I was doing, maintained the status quo, and continued cashing my checks, which, incidentally, are also guaranteed. So that’s something.”

For now, Riccardi will have to keep his fingers crossed like everybody else. Team doctors report there is no structural damage in Burnett’s arm but they have not set a timetable on his return.

Burnett is frustrated with his injury, but content with his financial situation.

“There is a God up there and he loves baseball players,” said Burnett. “He loves us dearly. And that love manifests itself in the form of guaranteed money. Mark my words. I will return from this injury and contribute to this team. I will have at least 25 starts and be an active member of this rotation. And when I’m totally healthy I will return to the form that has given me a 49-50 career record with an ERA slightly over 4. It’s the least I can do – no, actually it’s the most I can do. It really is. That’s my ceiling, guys. That’s the pitcher you just bought.”

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