TUSCALOOSA, AL--With their search for a head football coach at a virtual standstill, the Alabama Crimson Tide are turning their focus to a man many say is the most qualified, and willing, candidate for the job: recently-fired coach Mike Shula. Late Sunday night, after being spurned by West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez, Alabama AD Mal Moore contacted Shula and sheepishly offered him his job back.

“I left a message offering him his old job back,” Moore said in a telephone interview today. “I reminded him what a dream job it was, and how much fun he had while he was here. Then I told him that we felt he was the right man to lead this program into the future. Then I left my cell phone number, and I’m just waiting for a call back. This is a funny business, isn’t it? Not ‘ha ha’ funny, of course, but ‘I want to crawl in a hole and die’ funny.”

Moore admitted that he acted “a bit hastily” with regards to the firing of Shula, who compiled a 26-23 record in four seasons with the Tide.

“I guess I just figured I could fire Mike and then take my pick of any coach in the country,” he said. “Rich Rodriguez seemed like a good candidate, but he told me that no amount of money could persuade him to leave his beloved alma mater. Then we both had a good belly laugh and started negotiations. He wanted about a million more than we were offering, so it didn’t work out. Now he’s back at West Virginia pretending that he was too loyal to leave. Pretty slick, huh? He certainly is a master strategist.”

Rodriguez kept West Virginia fans in suspense while he met with Crimson Tide officials to discuss the head coaching job, but fans were relieved to hear that he had turned it down. According to Rodriguez, he wants to be a Mountaineer for “as long as they’ll have me.”

“Alabama is a wonderful program and I was extremely flattered when they called,” said Rodriguez. “Of course I had to sit down and talk to them, but in the end I felt that the pull of my home state was too strong. For me, loyalty takes precedence over money, especially when the money is kind of shitty for a program that’s supposed to be one of the BEST IN THE FRIGGING COUNTRY. Sorry...I just get angry sometimes, when I think how great it is to be here.”

The Tide also offered their head coaching job to the Miami Dolphins’ Nick Saban, who also turned them down, citing his commitment to the Dolphins. With the list of candidates dwindling, Moore has the option of hiring an untested assistant from another school, or rehiring Shula, who is at least familiar with the program.

“There are plenty of assistant coaches we could hire to take Mike’s place, but that’s not a very appealing option,” said Moore. “If we’re going to do that, we might as well hire back our very own glorified assistant, Mike Shula. He knows the program, he knows the kids, he’s got recruits coming in – he’s really the perfect candidate once you eliminate all the good, capable coaches out there. And if he doesn’t work out we can always fire him again. We shouldn’t have any trouble finding a replacement. We’re Alabama.”

Shula was hired at Alabama in 2003 after the abrupt termination of Mike Price, who left the program in turmoil over NCAA sanctions and off-field scandals. By 2005, Shula appeared to have turned the corner, leading the Crimson Tide to a 10-2 record. However, this year’s team took several steps backward, finishing with a record of 6-6 and heading to the lowly Independence Bowl.

When reached for comment, Shula said he was surprised to have been contacted by Moore.

“I can’t say I expected this,” said Shula, who was fired just three weeks ago. “They didn’t leave any doubt when they terminated me last month. And now they want me back? What a horribly run football program. First, they hire a crappy coach like me, then after four so-so years they fire me with no backup plan whatsoever. And now, they’re going to have to pay more money for the same crappy coach they just fired! Yes, that’s right. More money. I’m going to need as much as I can get for when they fire me again next year.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.